I've done a lot of traveling over the last few years with the kids' sporting events, and I've had to use an awful lot of public restrooms at venues, in restaurants, at rest areas, etc. Ladies, I would like to ask all of you two very important, very serious, truly thought-provoking questions:1. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING PISSING ALL OVER TOILET SEATS, WALLS, AND FLOORS?
2. HOW THE HELL DO YOU MANAGE THIS FEAT WITHOUT PISSING ALL OVER YOUR OWN LEGS AND CLOTHING?
It never ceases to amaze me when I go into a public restroom and one of you charming women has peed all over the seat and floor. I can see from the splatters on the tiles (the pee that I now have to step in) that you certainly and without any doubt must've pissed all over yourself. I mean, I can see the outlines from your shoes.
Look, hovering over the toilet seat doesn't keep you safe from disease. As a matter of fact, you can hurt your pelvic floor muscles and the surrounding pelvic girdle area from the strain of balancing your fat, lazy ass over the seat. Seriously. Can you imagine being this idiot?
DOCTOR: You prolapsed your bladder. We'll have to stuff it back in there surgically.
YOU: I don't understand. I never sit down to pee! It's fucking unsanitary.
You admit this as if your bladder hanging halfway out of your urethra is a better, brighter option than sitting on the toilet seat, which is designed, I might add, for you to sit on.
Other than your crummy pelvic floor, let's talk about what it is you suspect you will catch from a toilet seat. If you're worried about body lice, you should probably think about peeing in a different neighborhood. If you're worried about someone else's thighs having touched the seat before you, it might help to know that most people's backside thighs are probably cleaner than the hands you're eating with ... maybe even at this moment while reading this.
Look, ladies, I do not know what kind of sick bitch taught you how to use a toilet in any way that involves you pissing all over yourself, the toilet, the floor, and the stall itself. I can tell you that whoever it was or is, I would love to shove her head in the toilet (via a wet, disgusting, pee-covered toilet seat) and give her a swirly to remember.
If you cannot pee without hovering, you should either go back to potty training or return to your hut in rural Indonesia and master that hole in the floor before ever using another public restroom.
Ladies, for the love of all things sanitary, and to please protect the image of grown women everywhere, STOP PISSING ON THE TOILET SEAT (WALL, FLOOR) AND YOURSELVES. You are an embarrassment to yourself and your gender.
