Friday, October 31, 2014

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

(My stash of Halloween toys)
It's Halloween.

My plan is simple -- stay away from children after dark.

For a long time I put out lit jack-o-lanterns, skeletons, and left enough lights on to power a building.  I'd buy candy and sometimes even put on creepy music.

No one came.  No one ever came.  My house is behind another house.  Even the kids who live in the front house have never come to my door.

Last year I went out, instead.  My friend and I ran into trick-or-treaters at the mall, some children and some awkward adults who seemed out of place amongst the tiny revelers.

This year I will hide again, but not until after spending a day enjoying Halloween with my students.  We'll watch a creepy Twilight Zone episode and do Halloween-themed stuff.  I'll play with my Halloween toys one last time before packing them up.  Maybe I'll even score some candy on sale while we're out.

Happy Halloween, folks.  Be safe.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

THE NIGHT THE KEPI BURNED



Halloween’s coming. 

There have been a lot of great Halloweens for me over the years, some that involved ketchup-as-blood, some that involved neighbors who would make us all fresh donuts while we trick-or-treated, some where the snow on the ground was higher than our knees, and even one or two that involved the police.  Okay, once even the state police … with riot gear … and dogs.

There’s one Halloween image that haunts me, though.  It was the Halloween when the Civil War statue was set on fire.

I was driving with my grandfather, he steering and me sitting unbuckled in the passenger seat.  I don’t know why we were coming through the village square since my grandparents’ house and our house connected via several back roads that didn’t involve the center.  Even calling it “a center” seems overly generous since it had one tiny store that would open whenever it felt like it, a small but artful library, and a fire station that was run by volunteers who sounded coded alarms to alert firefighters to street addresses in distress.

Maybe we drove through the center of town assuming that less children would be in the streets trick-or-treating, a smart move by my partially-blind grandfather.  No matter the reason, the timing of it all still stays with me decades later. 

There were two grassy areas in the village square: the park, surrounded by aging white fence posts and old-fashioned stone posts with metal rings for tying up horses; and the small triangle of grass in front of the old Brick School.  The park was full of tress and had a sidewalk running through it, and I can still remember riding my bicycle straight through, full-tilt, holding an open bottle of Orange Crush soda.  A few years later my friends and classmates would film a Cheerios commercial in that exact spot in the pouring rain.

The village green in front of the Brick School (that’s what we all called it – whether or not it was the official name, we never knew otherwise) had a bush or two, maybe even a few trees, but its main attraction was the Civil War statue.  The bronze statue, created in 1869, was the first soldier statue ever erected in the state of New Hampshire, and this information I just discovered (though I wish I’d known it all those years ago).  The infantryman statue stood guard over the village green, and we’d often climbed its granite base, picnicked in its shadow, and ridden our bikes in circles around it without paying the soldier too much attention except knowing that he was there.  Always there.  Always the same.  Sometimes he had snow on his kepi, but usually he quietly kept watch with an occasional bird on his shoulder.

This particular Halloween night, though, the infantryman was on fire.

I still to this day don’t know how or why they did it, but teenagers had managed to set the statue’s head aflame.  My grandfather reasoned that they probably doused him in kerosene or something.  After all, bronze doesn’t just spontaneously combust.  It was so dark that night, too.  I don’t remember anything except coming up the small hill and seeing black sky and orange flame engulfing the Civil War soldier’s head and shoulders.  The rest of him remained standing at attention, never touched by the torching.

It is the singular Halloween image that conjures goosebumps on my skin when I think of it.  Not the other Halloweens, not even the one with the state police (though that was a doozey, if I do say so), none of them stays with me the way that one moment in time has stayed with me.

I remember clutching a bag full of candy on my lap, and I think I had my plastic mask resting on my head.  I was transfixed and horrified and fascinated and terrified, all at the same time, all sentiments perfect for such a spooky holiday.

“Why?” I remember asking.

My grandfather kept his eyes on the road, never slowing, never considering stopping to watch or investigate.  He simply answered, “Because it’s Halloween.”



Wednesday, October 29, 2014

POLLY TIX



Elections.
Damn, I know they’re important,
But I wish …
Oh, how I wish …
That political ads were illegal. 
Life would be so much better
Without the constant reminder that
Our cities and our states and our country
Are all being run by crooks and
Liars.
It’s to the point where I am afraid
To turn on the television
To turn on the radio
To open a newspaper
To get my mail
To answer my phone.
Listen, people,
The more you force me to recycle
Your stupid, ignorant pabulum,
The less I’m willing to vote for you.
You and your campaign are wasteful.
I don’t like wasteful.
So I see who you are, and then
I decide I hate you.
I hate your smear campaigns
Because smear makes me think of pap,
So now you’re just another tool of discomfort.
If your only argument for yourself
Is against someone else,
I deem you a moron,
An idiot,
A charlatan.
Political ads should be illegal.
You want to make an impression on me?
Make yourself visible,
Approachable,
Human.
Otherwise, get the fuck off my television,
Get the fuck off my radio,
Get the fuck out of the newspapers,
Get the fuck out of my mailbox,
And don’t ever, ever, ever fucking
Call me by robo-dial or by proxy.
Elections may be important,
But they’ve become entertainment,
Like the Side Show, the
Freak Show.
Don’t tell me how to vote.
Get out there and show me you’re worthy.
Otherwise,
Shut … the … fuck … up … already.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

ACHILLES WALK ... SORT OF



Took a nice long walk today.  Okay, so it was only about 2.5+ miles and not the 5k for which I was hoping.  Still, though.  Warm enough to walk with knee-length yoga pants and a light long-sleeved shirt.  Perfect weather for this late in October.

Of course, we are rumored to be getting flurries this weekend, but for now … ssssshhhhhh.

The problem remains with my Achilles tendons, however.  Around mile 1.75 I thought my calves might explode.  Okay, okay.  Admittedly I am not really doing the PT I promised.  I’m not icing and all that.  I’m not ingesting large quantities of ibuprofen.  I stretch and flex when I remember, especially before attempting to wobble down the stairs in the middle of the night.

But, seriously.  I’m an impatient patient.  How damn long does this take, anyway?

No matter.  I signed up for a 5k in November.  Late in November.  I hope I don’t freeze on the course.  I won’t be in full jogging mode at this rate, but I should be able to finish in decent time, as long as I don’t get caught in a pack.  I do have to find a way to change settings on MapMyWalk.  I kind of wish the computerized voice would chime in every quarter or half mile instead of telling me that I have walked 1.03 miles at a pace of so many minutes.  It’s too long a wait for that mile’s worth of validation.  I need validation every few yards.

Tuesday is supposed to be nice, maybe even 70 degrees.  Stinks.  I have a meeting after school.  I guess my exercise and airing out will have to be the sum total of driving eight miles home with the windows open.  Maybe I can flex and stretch my Achilles tendons while I’m driving.  Maybe I should try that going TO work, as well, since I usually waddle across the parking lot as my tendons freeze up after the drive to school every morning.

Maybe I’m not impatient.  Maybe I’m just getting old.  While I am pretending to heal, I maintain the illusion that I’m not aging.  Then I realize that I’m really not healing anymore, and I have to accept that this may well be the best it gets, the youngest I’ll feel.

Nah.  That thought just totally blows. 

Never mind, then.  I’m impatient.  I want to walk a few 5ks in prep for the real deal in a few weeks.  Come on, now, Achilles – Don’t be a damn drama queen.  Give me back my calves and I promise not to make fun of you when the students start the unit on Ancient Greece.


Monday, October 27, 2014

NOTE TO SELF



I have to stop bringing work home with me.  I missed Sunday writing up an exam.   It didn’t help that I slept late Sunday morning. 

My house that was clean less than two weeks ago looks once again like a bomb went off inside of it.  Papers are everywhere in piles, organized piles, but piles just the same.  Laundry is in piles, organized piles, but piles just the same.  Magazines are in piles, organized piles, but piles just the same.  Bills are in piles, organized piles, but piles just the same.  Books are in piles, organized piles, but piles just the same.

I did, however, manage to get outside several times this weekend.  It would’ve been a banner weekend, though, had I spent more time outside and less time on the computer typing.  I also shouldn’t have let the Internet distract me from my work. 

I should’ve grabbed one of those books and plopped myself right outside to read.  I should’ve gotten into my car, gone and taken more pictures of what’s left of the leaf-peeping post-Nor’easter.

I’ll make a deal with Mother Nature:  Give me a few good days this week, and I’ll try to use them wisely after work but before sunset.  After all, next weekend we fall back, and life starts to get dark at 4:00 p.m.  I don’t have a whole lot of time left to enjoy the patio before I have to start raking and shoveling it.

Note to self: Bring less work home; go through piles of stuff; clean the house; sit on the patio.

Not necessarily in that order, either.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

DEBATING WITH DOLTS



I almost got sucked into an argument with a Libtard today.  Just to be clear, I don’t like fighting with Conservatards, either.

You see, I said the word “undocumented.”

Apparently that makes me a racist. 

I don’t really see how or know why saying the word “undocumented” makes me a racist.  It’s not like everyone who enters the USA illegally is purple.  I happen to like the color purple … the color, not the book nor the movie – sorry, I reached my Alice Walker tolerance level in college English long before that one came around.  Oh, does that make me racist because the author is purple … or yellow … or orange … or blue?  No, I just had enough of her writing.  Not really fond of Henry James, either.  Damn, I must be a racist.  I mean, James is like … pine green, right?

Look, folks.  I am a rule-follower.  That’s my cross to bear.

I don’t like undocumented people voting in American elections.  That doesn’t make me a racist.  It may very well make me a Constitutionalist, though.  Oh, the horrors!

I also don’t like people who shoplift, so I must be a racist.  And I don’t like child abusers, so I must be a racist.  I also don’t care for Krispy Kreme donuts, so I must be a racist.  You know what?  Come to think of it, I’m not a big fan of Anime, and since that’s imported from Japan, I must be a racist.  I do prefer the Canadian national anthem to that of the USA for singing, anyway, because the range is more tolerable.  I must be a racist.

Listen, folks, if you want to lose an argument with me and lose it fast, throw the race card.  You might be a nice fellow otherwise, but once you open your mouth (or type with your fingers) that I pointed out something illegal as, in fact, being illegal, regardless of who you are or what “color” you claim to be, and you’re only retort is, “You’re a racist!” – well, you’re actually nothing more intelligent than a frigging moron.

I guess that makes me a moronist.  And since the idiot in question called me a racist via someone else’s online post, I guess that makes me a trollist, as well.  Yup, I’ll own that one.  I have a severe and critical intolerance for trolls.

So, if you’re undocumented and you want to vote in an American election, just remember, I’m a trollist! 

So there.