Sometimes I want to poke
out my eyeballs with a plastic fork. You
know, sometimes like right now, right this very second while listening to yet
another convoluted, useless, overly-complicated technology presentation by someone
who is Tech Gremlin Redux. Tech Gremlin
Original ran screaming from the building after only three weeks; this is his
replacement Gremlin.
During Tech Gremlin Redux’s
presentation, I am sorely tempted to ask something totally off-topic and basic,
such as, “Um, I lost you thirty minutes ago when I dozed off, so how do I open
up my email again, ma’am?” If I do that,
everyone will groan because Tech Gremlin Redux will start all over again, and
maybe even her head might explode from our collective feigned technological
ignorance.
Every time Tech Gremlin
Redux makes a presentation, something technological fucks up, and the
technology crashes and burns in front of the audience. The moment she claims, “Well, it’s supposed
to work,” I always yell out “BINGO!” Tech Gremlin Redux has been babbling for only
twenty minutes, and I’ve already yelled “BINGO” twice. Not good.
Apparently when I need to
use technology, I have to ask ten thousand people and send ten thousand emails
and craft invitations to the iPad cart (which will RSVP, as if that thought isn’t
creepy enough, proving that technology in and of itself is smart enough to do
Tech Gremlin Redux’s job ala 2001’s Hal).
The presentation drones on
and on and on and on. We are all sitting
together, yawning and drooling in the caf.
I look around at the shuttered food service area, desperate for a
plastic fork which I might use to poke out my eyeball, maybe even extract some
brain cells. I can be like the Three
Stooges’ Baron of Gray Matter, or the crazy Stooge mental patient who grabs his
pajama top button hole and rants, “You see that hole? RATS come outta that hole!”
Or maybe I’ll just yell “BINGO”
one more time and call it a day.
