I am having the longest intake-type
physical exam of my life, and it is all being caught on camera. Thank goodness I have the sense to shave my
legs.
This is all my daughter’s
doing.
Weeks ago my daughter
called to ask me if I’d be her test dummy for an upcoming video presentation
for her online college class. She is a
nurse who is expanding her degree, and she has to film herself doing an exam on
a live subject. It all seemed so vague
and far away that I volunteered without really giving it a second thought.
Now the time rolls around
to film the video.
In addition to shaving my
legs (and armpits … I mean, why not, right?), I dress in a sports bra, loose
t-shirt, and some yoga pants that are more like wide-legged knit capris. We rearrange the living room a bit and
suddenly realize how lucky I am to have a tiny house because I long-ago
replaced the large couch with a smaller futon.
The futon doubles as an extra-wide examining table, complete with a
retractable 45-degree angle headrest, and will be perfect for our mock medical
office.
My daughter, afraid she
will forget something important, tapes a few cheat-sheets off camera on the far
wall, so she can look past me, but the camera won’t pick up the papers flapping
around under the lighthouse-themed clock.
She sets up the Go-Pro camera.
After several attempts at getting the angle just right, we are ready to start.
The first take opens with
some introductions, which is funny since I’ve known her quite literally all of
her life, and it all goes well until we get to the “breathe through one nostril”
part. It’s spring, and allergy season is
rapidly closing in on me. The only thing
missing from my nostril breathing is a full-blown snot bubble.
I hope she doesn’t notice,
but, of course, she does.
“Oh,” she says awkwardly
with a hint of humor. “Juicy!”
With that I chuckle
in a fit of embarrassment, the camera gets stopped, and we have to compose
ourselves, which we do, but only until the camera starts rolling again. We have to take it all from the top again so
her examination of me will be in one take.
We start with the introductions again, the hand cleansing, the head touching,
the thyroid checking, the looking in the ears, the eye tests, the jaw
clenching.
Uh-oh. Here it comes again. Here comes the nostril thing again. Oh, please, nose, please don’t do it
again. Please … do … not …
Yay, no near-snot bubble
this time! Nope! This time my nostril whistles. Yup, whistles like a tea kettle.
Now we are both laughing
and have to start all over. Again. Damn.
It takes a few tries
because we cannot stop laughing. Okay,
okay, this is for a serious grade, so let’s be serious. Let’s be … and it takes a several more times
before we are truly ready, and, even then, I keep smiling and willing myself
not to giggle. This strategy works until
we are almost at the nostril thing again.
I bust out laughing and fall sideways on the futon.
Crap. I’ve ruined yet another take.
This goes on and on maybe
three more times, sometimes me losing it and sometimes my daughter, even when I
just pretend to breathe through each nostril.
It takes a while, but we finally get past it. Phew.
Success! Right?
Wrong.
My daughter is worried she
forgot something. Did she have me stand
on one leg to check my balance? Did she
tap on my kidneys? Did she remember to
do the whisper test? At one point the
lighthouse clock on the wall starts making a series of foghorn noises to mark
the hour. I hope the Go-Pro battery is
fully charged because this requires time to do correctly.
We take it from the top,
complete with the nostril thing, yet again.
By now I have it down pat. I try
to give her a signal if I think she forgot something, and I’ve totally mastered
the art of pretending my nose works.
It only takes three hours
from start to finish, including getting set up, breaking up, and picking up. It takes days to get her grade, somewhere
around a perfect score, which it should be because she didn’t need any cheat
sheets after the number of times we practiced over the course of our failed
attempts at making a mini-movie.
The best part is that she
finds out her grade while we are on a road trip together, but that’s another
story. Part 2. Coming soon to a small screen near you. If you’re lucky, that is, and if you promise
not to blow any snot bubbles when you see it.
