I finally have a moment to
myself tonight. I refuse to bring work
home with me, I don’t feel like putting away Christmas stuff yet (maybe this
weekend … maybe not), and it’s too damn cold to work in the basement. Instead, I decide to go through the December
magazines that have been sitting in my house since before Thanksgiving; you
know, the magazines with the holiday ideas inside.
Obviously, these great
ideas do not help me with this most recent holiday season. I see a few ideas that will help me next
year, but mostly I notice that there are a lot of articles about menopausal
women and diets.
Look, these publishers
need to get with the damn program. This
is the one time of year that I can forget, pretend, deny that I am both
menopausal and a little paunchy. I know
I shouldn’t eat the Reese’s peanut butter cups in the candy bowl. I understand that an entire candy cane is not
exactly equal to a Tic-Tac. I accept the
fact that family parties mean food will be served, and that it would be
impolite not to indulge. I want cookies
and sweets and drinks and dips and cooked foods and crackers and processed
cheese.
Isn’t it enough that
Christmas has been relegated to mere “holiday” status? Do the Powers That Be now have to bring so
much attention to my somewhat rotund belly?
Here’s a newsflash to any
svelte and professionally-toned pseudo-realists in the publishing world: I’m not only middle-aged and menopausal, I’ve
birthed three children. I’m carrying
around some body fat. So there.
I eat as well as I can,
but sometimes during this ridiculously busy time of year, I only have time to
grab a glass of wine and a Hershey’s kiss.
Sometimes I reason that wine is okay because it’s made from grapes, and
grapes are fruits, so technically wine qualifies as juice … in my brain.
Note to magazine
publishers: Keep the December issues focused
on the holidays – concentrate on Christmas and Hanukkah (and Kwanzaa, if you
must, but I’m not yet completely on board with a holiday that was invented in
my lifetime) crafts and food. Write
about blessings and gifts and memories and celebrations. Keep your writing slim and focused, and spend
more time cutting the fat from your own bottom line before preaching at me
about cutting the fat from my bottom … line.
When January comes along,
and by the way this month’s issues ARE distributed in December before the
holidays, then you may focus on helping us help ourselves. Let January be the month of resolutions and
betterment. But, for the love of all
things holiday, leave December alone and let us for one simple month suspend
the reality of our over-indulgent, fat-bottomed ways.
Now, if you don’t mind, my
detox water and light lunch have given way to crescent rolls and a nice chunk
of last night’s homemade lasagna.
December can bite my fat ass, and January can tone it back up
again. This is the reality of a
middle-aged, menopausal woman’s life.
Oh, yes, and we are
extremely hormonal. Publishers might
want to consider that and stick to the happy, nostalgic side of the holidays
and leave the rest to the New Year, when we already feel bad about ourselves.
