Facebook is a wonderful thing. Without it I would never know the 100 foods
that The Great and Powerful Dr. Oz wants in my shopping cart. Never mind that he isn't paying for my
grocery bill, but, like every other whacko out there, he feels the incessant need
to tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to make it right per his agenda.
First I peruse the list to see what it is he thinks I'm
doing correctly. For fruits, I'm doing
reasonably well. I don't have these in
my cart every week, but I'm doing okay by way of apples, oranges, strawberries,
and watermelon. I also throw in an
occasional pomegranate and some Bing cherries.
Grapes have tasted bitter to me over the last few years, and I have gone
from being a green-grapes-only gal to a red-grapes-only gal. Not really sure what this turn of events
means, but I'm certain The Great and Powerful Dr. Oz would make some kind of
decree and demand I bring back the vine of green grapes or something equally
uselessly time-consuming.
Baby carrots and potatoes are staples in my diet, and I've
branched out a lot recently to include sweet potatoes whenever possible. But the greens thing, I only hit iceberg
lettuce on that. I'm not a collard-greens
kind of person. But this is where his
list of fresh produce ends. Oh sure,
there's an asterisk that says I can buy any other fruit and veggie my heart
desires, but that gets me to wondering: Spinach is a pretty important veggie,
and even though I mentioned strawberries, those aren't on the fruit/veggie
list, nor are tomatoes, corn, onions, broccoli, or beans. Yet Swiss chard should be in my cart all the
time. Is that just for roughage
purposes? Because I've found that
excesses of peanut butter will accomplish the same result.
So where do I find my favorite fresh fruits and
vegetables? Why, under TG&P Dr. Oz's
list of frozen foods. Frozen. Froooooooozennnnn. Ice-cube-omundo, frigidioso, ala
snowflake, frosted al dente. Sure,
sure, you'll tell me that the food is frozen "fresh." Sure, as "fresh" as it can be
frozen in a food processing factory and packaged into plastic bags seared shut
with hot glue and decorated with ink.
Now, I'm no doctor, Oz, but it stands to reason that fresh foods from
the store or a farm stand certainly outweigh benefits of food frozen and processed
in an industrial plant (as opposed to a real plant).
When I check out TG&P Dr. Oz's list of meats, I must
admit to not buying bison meat. I also
admit to rarely buying pre-cooked meat that has been packaged by an outside
corporation. In other words, I don't buy
the pre-cooked Perdue chicken pieces.
I'm sure they're probably fine, but I have a hard enough time seeing how
fresh the meat is when I buy it; not knowing what the meat looked like raw
makes me a little uncomfortable. And
really, Dr. Oz - no nitrate ham? Is
there really such a thing, or are you being one silly old doc? Inquiring minds want to know. Quite frankly, sir, meat should moo (or cluck
or oink) when I pick up a package from the store - it should be that fresh and
pure.
Canned foods crack me up because here is where I find
tomatoes. Honestly, I would eat a fresh,
raw tomato over a processed, canned one any day of the week, but that's just
me, apparently. By the way, Doc Oz, why
bother with the low-sodium stuff if you also expect us to be eating dill
pickles, sardines, and anchovies? So, I
stay off the sodium in my chicken broth but pile it on with the canned
mini-fish. Hmmmmm. Sounds almost like a bait-and-switch, and by
bait I mean sardines are for fishing not eating.
When I get to the deli/cheese part of the list, I notice
hummus. Hummus, which is made from
garbanzo beans, spices, and oil. There
isn't a single frigging dairy nor cheese product in hummus, and it isn't sold
by the pound at the deli counter, at least not in the Northeast corridor. Maybe we're just smarter than the rest of
America, or maybe it's because tahini/hummus is manufactured by the tons up
here. I beg to differ and believe this
is a vegetable product. TG&P Dr. Oz
and his staff of experts effed this one up, and I'm not backing down. This list of his officially sucks, and he has
no one to blame but hummus.
There's a whole gamut of other shit on this list, too,
including pastas, grains, cereals, soy, condiments, herbs, beverages, and
desserts. As I look the list over, I
need to be so bold as to admit that I don't know what the freak some of this
crap is: Edamame, polenta, agave nectar,
and vegan mayo? And what's with the chia
seeds? If I eat those, will I suddenly
start growing bean sprouts for hair and run around singing,
"Cha-cha-cha-chia"?
Seriously, dude, have you any idea what will happen to the
ozone layer if we all start eating high fiber bars all day long? Cows' flatulence will no longer be the number
one pollution problem. The question will
no longer be "What's that smell," but rather "Who's that
smell." Pheromones won't be the
odor of attraction anymore; it will be all about whose flatulence smells the
most pleasant. If we live by Dr. Oz's
list, we're all going to turn into butt-sniffing pooches.
As I sit here drinking a pre-packaged, plant-processed
pomegranate margarita, I truly believe that my eating habits are not that
terrible. Could they be better? Absolutely.
Am I suddenly going to become addicted to quinoa? Kids, I don't even know what the hell that
is. You're as likely to find bananas and
yogurt in my cart as you are tonic water and Oreos, but it's relatively
balanced and entirely eaten in moderation.
I swear to God, I'm trying, Doc Oz, I really am.
If I'm doing too terrible a job, though, feel free to beat
me with some of your fruit leather. It's
so versatile, according to your list, that you can actually eat the evidence
after you're done. Certainly there have
to be some long-term anti-incarceration benefits in that. After all, if there's no evidence, you walk,
and I've heard walking has some health benefits, too.
