I know I wrote about this a week or two ago, maybe a little more. Honestly, I was totally confused. You see, my first, gut reaction to this headline had been, "WTF, are you people fucking stupid?" Then, I read a press release from the company and realized, "Oh, I guess I'm wrong. This product resembles a teething toy, so they meant toddlers. But still. Parents should be more careful and mindful."
But now ... Nope. Now, all bets are OFF because my FIRST reaction was RIGHT the whole damn time. I am referring to: THE TIDE POD CHALLENGE.
Yes, when I first read about it, I thought, "Who are these incredibly stupid people who think laundry detergent is food?" Remember, I was very young in the time of hippies -- young adults who are now Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump -- people who thought bell-bottoms were cool, sex was free, and LSD made you smarter. In other words, MORONS. I truly thought I had seen the dumbest generation pass before me so when my generation grew up, we'd know what NOT to do ... you know, like eat fucking Tide Pods.
I felt guilty for that millisecond, though, because I thought, "Oh, no, toddlers are eating these. Those poor kids must have hippies for grandparents, and their aged moron grandparents (hippies) must be watching them for daycare and letting them eat Tide Pods."
But, no. Eating Tide Pods apparently is "a thing." It's a fad like wavy eyebrows and duck lips and cement-filled ass-cheeks. Recently, a university student was rushed to the hospital for eating Tide Pods. A reporter claims the student was trying to off him/her/itself. Well, of course it was ... it thinks Tide Pods are food; I'd off myself, too.
Can you even imagine the poor students who got rejected from that university? Can you imagine them sitting there at home or at work in Wal-Mart thinking to themselves, "Goddamnit, I'm not even as bright as a goddamn Tide Pod muncher. I couldn't even get into a decent Tide Pod eating school! I must be a mega-moron!" Except, of course, that's probably more words than a mega-moron can actually string together without needing brain surgery.
Imagine their parents. Well, first, the parents of the university kiddos eating Tide Pods. How awful to be the bearer of such defective DNA. But then imagine the parents of the rejected university students knowing that their rejected child was rejected in favor of a Tide Pod sucker. JesusMaryandJoseph, how can you even reconcile yourself with missing such a horrifyingly low bar?
Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Well, a little bit. I mean, everyone does stupid shit, right? I once thought wearing roller skates and getting pulled behind my sister on her bike was a grand idea. Two black eyes, a broken nose, and 75% less skin surface later, I learned never to do that shit ever again. I guess I should've stayed inside and eaten the family laundry detergent instead.
So, all in all, I apologize for my first assumption being what I thought was a mistaken assumption but having it end up being a valid assumption and discovering that all the world isn't a stage ... it's a fucking loony bin full of Tide Pod eaters. Maybe the creators of
The Walking Dead can create a new series:
The Tide Pod Zombies. They can all wear purple and orange clothing and have green faces covered in their own vomit.
Honestly. For the love of all things sane, PLEASE STOP EATING TIDE PODS. The world already thinks we are fucking stupid Americans. Stop proving them right every damn day. Seriously. Stop eating laundry detergent and go stick a fork in an electrical socket. It'll be over faster, you'll save the ambulance fee, and you'll be buried with fabulous hair.
