Typing up my Saturday post a little early today. You see, according to the weather people,
we're all going to be living in igloos within hours. Apparently, we're all gonna die. (If I do, you heard it here first, not on the
local news. So there!)
I suddenly feel like I'm living inside the Family Guy television series. Every station is Quahog News Station, and
every reporter has suddenly morphed into Ollie Williams.
Look, it snows in New England. That's what it does. It has been doing it since the Native
Americans lived here, and I can rightly predict it will continue to snow long
after today. This is a
less-than-twenty-four-hour event. This
is no Blizzard of 1891 nor Blizzard of '78.
What the hell is the matter with these professionals? I'm not watching the news; I'm watch Scary Movie '13.
"It's snowing!
Oh my God! We're all gonna
DIIIIIIIIIIIIE! Look, there's the
Abominable Snow Monster. Frosty just ran
down the street. Even Rudolph won't come
out to play reindeer games. HOLY SNOW
PLOW, BATMAN!"
I'll admit that the Blizzard of '78 was a royal
shit-show. It snowed for three days, the
wind blew seven-plus foot drifts everywhere, and it snowed so fast at some
points that the highways completely stopped moving. There was a snow emergency that prevented
anyone from driving for an entire week, even though most roads were clear and
the sun was shining by day four. We
simply walked the main roads, right smack down the middle, to get to any stores
that were smart enough to stay open. I
don't even remember losing power during that one. We weren't near death because of the storm;
we were near death due to boredom.
People, seriously.
What are you thinking of buying multiple gallons of milk and dozens of
loaves of bread? Who are you
feeding? Biafrans? We will never have another Blizzard of '78
because we actually learned from it.
Well, not the politicians, but the residents. Storm coming Friday? I went shopping Tuesday. That's what New Englanders do. Those idiots who hit the grocery stores Thursday
afternoon and/or Friday morning?
Transplants, and stupid ones at that.
And unless your grill is protected in your garage, I don't suggest you
stock up on meats in case the electricity goes down. How the heck will you cook
the meat, especially if your outdoor grill is under three feet of snow? I made pulled pork in the crock pot -- You
know, something that can finish cooking on the burner of my gas stove should
need be.
The morons who went out and bought up all the shovels? Foreigners, I guarantee it. Anyone who lives in New England and doesn't
have at least two snow shovels handy is an illegal alien. Again, the minute anyone even whispers the
word "snow," you go out and get what you need. Period.
If you wait until they're actually shouting the word "snow,"
you are totally and completely screwed.
You've also outted yourself as a non-native New
Englander. Don't worry - we actually
don't mind that you're here. Without
you, we'd have no one to laugh at, and there'd be no need to buy up all the
milk and shovels days ahead of time just to watch you go into panic mode. It is people like you who provide us with
endless hours of entertainment. In
bleak, blizzardy days such as these, we could use the extra chuckle … tongue in
cheek, of course.
