My Top Ten Damn Nasty Freaking Fortune
Cookies For Special Brats With Ineffectual Parents
One company discontinued their line of romantic fortune
cookies when parents complained that the fortunes were not appropriate for
children. Well, duh; they're fortune
cookies, presumably for after dinner, presumably at a nice restaurant,
presumably patronized by adults. (Yeah,
yeah, I see the carryover of yesterday's theme.
Relax.)
So for all of you overly-involved parents out there, here
are some fortunes just for your precious little overly-coddled dah-links.
10. You're so
obnoxious even your grandparents hate you.
9. Life was good …
before YOU were born.
8. If I had a dog
that looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backward.
7. Your parents send
you to summer camp so they don't have to spend time with you. Even better if it's sleep-away camp.
6. No, your parents
didn't accidentally lose you in the mall.
It was on purpose.
5. If the other kids
call you fat and ugly, it's because you are.
4. When your dad says
you're a tool, he doesn't mean you're a hammer.
3. Hey, asswipe: There is no Santa.
2. Your helicopter
parents just landed. In flames.
1. The real reason
why your parents demanded the company stop printing romantic fortunes is
because your parents don't love you, and no one else will, either. Ever.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. May all your fortunes come true!
