September 24, 1742 -- Faneuil Hall opened
in Boston. Thanks to a local wealthy
guy, Pete Faneuil, there was even a grasshopper weather vane attached to the
cupola of the meeting house, and because it's too high and dangerous a reach
for anyone except clever MIT engineering students, the gold-plated vane is
still there. Lots of famous people have
given inspirational speeches at Faneuil Hall, people like Sam Adams, Daniel
Webster, Steve Sweeney, and Craig Ferguson.
When John Kerry conceded his bid for the presidency, he gave his speech
of shame and humiliation at Faneuil Hall.
Even though Faneuil Hall is on the Freedom Trail, it has morphed from
boring old meeting house to party palace as it sits right smack in the middle
of the bar-laden marketplace. It's a
stone's throw from the Rose Kennedy Greenway, which is actually mostly tar,
that housed smelly hippies who urinated and defecated in and around tents
almost a year ago in that famous(ly forgotten) movement Occupy Boston and Make a Nuisance of Your Lazy Unemployed Ass While You
Go Weeks and Weeks Without Showering or De-Licing Your Bad Self. On warm days, the aroma from the occupiers still makes the area smell like the underside of the overpasses in Jamaica Plain.
If you've never had a chance to visit Faneuil
Hall, don't. We have enough rude
tourists trashing the place without you people adding to it. Here, just look at the picture. See, there it is. Now you can say you've been there, and you
don't have to wonder why all of us locals are waving with one finger on each
hand. It's just something we do here in
Boston. It's our way of pointing your
attention up … up … up to Pete Faneuil's weathervane, which hopefully is
showing you the way to East Boston where there's an airport so you can fly back
home to wherever it is you came from in the first place.
Honestly, I don't know why people say
Bostonians aren't friendly. Aren't we
always ready to tell you where to go? I
mean, if we can expel the British, you out-of-towners should be a breeze.
(Disclaimer: I am technically not a Bostonian. This is technically a parody. But everyone knows that technicalities are
just excuses and that excuses are like assholes - everyone's got at least one,
and they all stink. I'm just saying.)
