Recently a friend posted an article on her Facebook page. The article is called "22 Things Happy People Do Differently." I consider myself a relatively happy person, so I decided to check it out. Here's what I discovered about both the article and myself. The article insights are in bold; mine are not. Enjoy!
Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy. I plead the fifth, and make that fifth Bombay gin, Jose Cuervo Especial tequila, or an expensive vodka.
1. Don’t hold grudges. This is just bullshit. The secret to maintaining balance is maintaining grudges. Really. There's no point in being nice and forgiving to people who continually use you as a doormat. People who were mean to me in high school, or, worse, who were unspeakably cruel after my husband died of cancer …. Yeah, I see no reason to forget what they did and said and be all chummy-chummy. There's nothing in it for me. Besides, that chip looks damn fine on my shoulder, and it makes me very, very happy to remember it's there, and that I control it. Keeping a large chip on each shoulder, after all, is a good way to keep balanced; one giant chip might make me topple over, and I cannot be having that happen. Besides, shoulder chips are non-fattening, so it's all good.
2. Treat everyone with kindness. True. But the minute they act like assholes back to me or to those important to me, I squish those nasty people like cockroaches. Kindness works only so many times, and it can be exhausting being kind if there's no return on the investment. A good solid smack, though, usually works instantly and can be extremely gratifying.
3. See problems as challenges. Problems are challenges. It's kind of like the dictionary definition. Duh. I mean, really. If a problem doesn't challenge you, I have a news flash for you: It's NOT a problem.
4. Express gratitude for what they already have. Well, this is just crap because if this were really true, the lottery commission would go out of business. Sure, I'm thankful for what I have; I'd be thankful to have what I have, what you have, what Bill Gates has, what Oprah Winfrey has, and I'm just speaking financially here. (Honestly, I'm reasonably lucky and very thankful. But that doesn't make me gracious. I would never use my name and that word in the same sentence without a denying adverb.)
5. Dream big. Holy shit, I dream all the time. I dream so much that I can't get a good night's sleep. How about if I dream little? Then maybe I can sleep through the night and wake up refreshed enough to work on my proverbial " life dreams." Gotta get rid of those nasty subconscious-while-I'm-trying-to-sleep big dreams first, though.
6. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Look, you want to be happy? Don't sweat. Seriously, nobody wants to be near a sweaty person. Does the song go, "Don't worry …. Be sweaty"? Didn't think so.
7. Speak well of others… As they would speak of me, which they don't, so fuck 'em.
8. Never make excuses. I rarely make excuses, which is probably why I can never be president of the United States nor the head of hospitality at a resort nor an executive of the White Star Line after the sinking of the Titanic. Take responsibility and move on. Unless of course it involves jail time. In that case, by all means, make excuses and run like hell.
9. Get absorbed into the present. Presents? It's not my birthday! Presents definitely are the secret to making people happy, especially presents presented presently. Those present presents are the most presentable.
11. Avoid social comparison. Please. If I didn't compare myself to others, I'd weigh 700 pounds and never shower.
12. Choose friends wisely. This is easy because I have no friends. Apparently it is they who choose wisely.
13. Never seek approval from others. Is this one okay to leave in? I can take it out if you don't approve. I'm so ashamed … aren't I? Should I be? What do you think? Help.
14. Take the time to listen. What? Hello? I think we have a bad connection. Huh?! (Phew. That was a close one.)
15. Nurture social relationships. I'm free for dinner. Who's buying? Nose game! Not it!
16. Meditate. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Om, NO.
17. Eat well. Eat often. Eat chocolate. Amen.
18. Exercise. Argh. I hate to admit it, but this one is true. Damnit. I hate to get to the gym, but once I'm there, it feels good. But, when it's all over, I am super-duper happy.
19. Live minimally. Seriously? Really? I've lived minimally and done without; it sucks. This one is a lie.
20. Tell the truth. Right, because the truth will set you free. Not. Listen, if you need to be honest, be honest. But if a little white lie will do to prevent an argument or hurt feelings, it's one way to keep everybody happy. Lie, lie, lie like a shag rug on an adhesive floor.
21. Establish personal control. At my age, I'd settle for establishing bladder control, especially when I sneeze.
22. Accept what cannot be changed. (See #21 and always pack extra undies so you can accept change whenever necessary.)
In the end, being happy is all about perspective. Most days I'm very happy; some days life sucks and I'm generally pissed at everything and everyone. If I needed to be happy all the time, I'd be a Valium addict and a drunk, not necessarily in that order. Some of us can choose to be happy, and some of us are just rotten assholes right to our cores. Either way, the thing that would make me the happiest right now is to post this diatribe.
Apparently the secret to leading a happy life is hitting the "new post" button on the blog. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
See? Simple. I feel better already.
