I cannot meditate.
I've tried, and it doesn't work. I keep tricking myself into pretending I'm
meditating so I can write about how great the experience is while I am
meditating even though I don't meditate because my mind is pretending to
meditate so it looks like I can pass the meditation portion of my grad class
through bait and switch and some really bad acting and some strategically
placed deep meditative breaths.
I have to take (and pass) a graduate writing seminar in
order to get another Master's degree that I'll probably never use to its full
potential. I mean, really. How useful is an MA in English
Composition? Talk about a minimally
marketable degree, especially at my age.
What am I going to do with it?
Teach geriatric writing seminars at old folks' homes? I'll be in
one by the time this degree is done.
The only seminar that fits my schedule is all about writer's
block (don't have it), yoga (can't do it), and meditation (don't buy into
it). I debate waiting until the
university offers another seminar, but I am four courses away from my thesis,
classes keep getting cancelled from under-enrollment (quelle surprise), and
I've met the professor (engaging and knowledgeable), so I convince myself this
is the only seminar that's doable.
There are a couple of people in the class I've been with
before, and it's a mix that doesn't include any prima donnas. But I'm going into the whole thing with a bit
of a chip on my shoulder. When I
discover I must write a research paper, I am immediately deflated. One of the reasons I am in the writing track
is so I never have to write another review or report about someone else's
literature for as long as I live. The chip on my shoulder, the one I've
nicknamed Chip, grows three-fold at news of this requirement. Chip is like me -- Chip doesn't meditate,
either, apparently.
I am not surprised that I cannot meditate. I have major control issues. I've never stepped on an airplane for two
reasons: one reason is I'm a cheap
bastard and flying is expensive; the other reason is that I don't know who's
flying the plane -- maybe it's some dumbass.
In addition to having major control issues, I cannot be hypnotized. Nope, truly can't. Stumped a professional hypnotist so many
times he actually bet $20 he could hypnotize me, and he lost.
With the two labels "Control Freak" and
"Unhypnotizable" pasted to my forehead, and with non-meditating Chip
sitting squarely on my shoulder, I know in my twisted mind that an
English professor and part-time yoga practitioner will not be able to overturn
my streak with some basic meditation and breathing techniques. She can try, and I'll go through the motions,
but it's not going to end well for either one of us.
I sure hope my grade isn't depending on this. Oh well.
Maybe I'll go meditate and contemplate my next graduate course. After all, in a few short weeks, my seminar
will be behind me, and that's exactly where it belongs.
