THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR VOLUNTEERING

I'm taking yet another graduate class not because I want to but because I have to.  Eventually all teachers in Massachusetts will have to get on board with some level of this certification for Sheltered English Immersion, even though I technically could've bought myself a few more years on my recently-renewed license.

So, why volunteer to take the class?  Simple: This is the last time the state is offering it free of charge to any teachers "tagged," meaning we have English Language Learners in our classes.

Here's the problem, though.  This year I technically only have one ELL student who's still in the program.  Oh, it's not really a problem for me personally whether I have one or none or thirty with me.  The part of this that becomes a problem concerns my final project -- The Capstone.

I am no newbie to The Capstone.  I just completed one for my degree at Salem State a year or so ago.  Piece of cake.  I only lost months' worth of sleep and countless commuting time that I will never get back.  The Capstone itself is not the real problem.

The problem is that I have to lie on The Capstone. I have to lie not just once but twice in the document that is going right to the Department of Elementary and Secondary Education, the organization that decides whether or not I get to keep my teaching license based on my credit card's capacity to rapid-process once every five years.

The first lie is that I am supposed to present as if I have multiple ELLs in my classroom.  I have one.  Just one; at least, one who qualifies.  Tonight's class, our last official meeting before presenting The Capstone and teaching a mini-lesson to other adult-student victims who are taking the class with me, we are given time to work on The Capstone, due right after the holiday break.  I ask the magic question:  How do I modify for two different ELL levels if I really only have one ELL?

Ha.  Some of you know exactly what's going to be said.  I, on the other hand, am not so bright.  The answer to my question?

Make it up.  Make ... it ... up.

Suddenly I have turned into Foghorn Leghorn.  "I say, I say, I say, what did you, I say, what did you say?"   Yes, the answer to my legitimate question is quite illegitimate.  I am to lie through my teeth on a legal document to the DESE.

Make up a student and make up a history for that student.  NEXT!

I sit, dumbfounded, processing what I am being told.  Lie!  Cheat!  Put one over on The Man!  If I fail to do this, I fail the course.  It's kind of a conundrum.  On the one hand, being a writer, I can invent the shit right out of that make-believe student.  On the other hand, I'm LYING in a BINDING document that is directly tied to my integrity as a teacher and keeping my job. 

Yes, this is, indeed, a problem.

The other problem with The Capstone is that I am actually supposed to teach the lesson to my students and reflect on its success.  Um, the holiday break starts Wednesday, and The Capstone is due the Tuesday we get back.  When do I teach this random lesson?  Monday, the day before it's due?  Then write up the report on the fly in one evening?

No, I'm supposed to make this shit up, too.

I now understand how the political machine works.  A little wink-wink here, a little nudge-nudge there, ya know what I mean.  So, I'm required to be honest to get into the class, but I have to lie my giant ass off to get out of the class with a passing grade.  I teach the kids not to cheat, and yet ... and yet ...

No wonder I've had one mega-frikking headache for the last month.  Either that or I've developed a fatal brain condition, and then this whole course will be for nothing.  Oh well.  That's what I get for volunteering.