People tell me I whine when I clean. I thought they said "WINE." No wonder my house looks like shit.
I realized too late that once you clean the house, the house
expects it to happen on a continual basis.
I don't see the point in cleaning if I have to repeat it again three
weeks later. Isn't the definition of
insanity -- doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different
result? Therefore, cleaning the house is
pure insanity.
Seriously. If I move
stuff around to dust, how am I supposed to know where things go back if I
cannot see the dustless rings that represent the lamp base or the wooden
giraffe carvings or the planters? I
would be accidentally redecorating every few weeks. That just seems like too much work, to be
honest.
You people with cleaning obsessions are sick, you know
that? You don't really care about clean
houses; you only care about moving stuff around a few millimeters every so
often. I can't possibly upset the
television by accidentally moving it off center. It will never forgive me. It might even change cable providers on me
when I'm not looking.
There could be catastrophic consequences if my books decide
to reorder themselves because I sought to dust the shelves and they cannot
remember where they were. Mayhem would
ensue. My god, Evanovitch might
fraternize with Shakespeare, and then the romance novels might mingle with the
children's books … Who knows what the hell might go on after I leave the room.
I see the wisdom of keeping the bathroom relatively clean,
although I could spend a little more time actually scrubbing the shower instead
of simply spraying it down with mildew remover.
I do change the shower curtain liner every once in a while, but I try to
keep the color of the liner similar. I
don't want the tub getting any ideas about being sparkly clean or
anything. That might encourage company
to come and stay, and I simply cannot be having any of that.
I am really disappointed in you people. I mean that with all of my heart and an empty
goblet in my hand. Me? Whining?
Why, I never. But if you don't
hand over that bottle of Pinot Grigio, you just might truly learn the
difference between whine and wine when it comes to cleaning around
here, and I can guarantee it's more than just the letter H.
But you'll have to put down the cleaning rag you're waving
around first. I've discovered it's
impossible to hold a dust cloth and a wine glass at the same time.
Honestly, people.
That's just un-fucking-civilized.
