I have decided that grocery shopping should be a full
contact sport.
The grocery store should be like Black Friday every single
day, where we can smack people with our carts and not even have to apologize
for it because it's just the way life is that day.
People who leave their carts in the middle of everything
while they block the aisle looking at spices -- Smack 'em.
People who stop their carts right where a palette of boxes
are being opened so no one can get by in either direction -- Smack 'em.
People at the deli getting ¼ pound of this and ¼ pound of
that and just a smidgen of those and just a slice or two of these -- Smack 'em.
Kids running loose and/or spreading out into a tactical
formation so no one can get by without being spit up on or kicked or screamed
at -- Smack 'em.
The weird guy who smells of urine and wants to talk to me
right as I'm standing all alone in front of the Tampax -- Smack 'em.
The old lady who asks me the best kind of cat food to feed
her half-blind, half-lame, extremely obese Calico -- Smack 'em.
The foreigner who touches every single bean because he
doesn't have the glossy green ones in his country since the ban of GMO's and
he's never seen a mutant vegetable before -- Smack 'em.
The person in front of me unloading her carriage who shoves
the gallon of milk to the end of the belt over and over and over again just so
I cannot unload my groceries to go through the checkout -- Smack 'em.
The guy who sneezes and wipes his hand across his nose right
before picking through the fruit I need -- Smack 'em.
The employees standing around and blocking access because
they're the big cheeses and I can't tell them to move because they get paid by
the hour so they'll stand there as long as they goddamn well feel like it (even
the executives who walk the store) -- Smack 'em.
And this, my dear friends, this is why most people and especially my own children will not be
seen in a grocery store with me. All of
these things happened to me just this morning on one shopping trip.
Okay most of them happened today. The smelly, peepee-coated guy was last week,
as was the guy shopping all alone with six beautiful boys all under the age of
nine. That was hilarious because dad was
completely oblivious as the older ones kept kicking the younger ones back into
play every time they ran off trying to escape.
I either need anger management classes or else someone needs
to turn shopping into a full-contact sport with referees roaming the
aisles. It certainly would be more
interesting, and there would be a helluva lot less fighting in the aisles.
