All that bellyaching I did over the past few days about being sick? Well, turns out I really am sick. Not seriously so, but I am about ten minutes away from a trip to the ER for a rather painful needle aspiration when an ENT specialist steps forward and saves day.
Apparently, there is a condition called peritonsillar cellulitis and abscess. It is slightly more serious than peritonsillar cellulitis and much less serious than peritonsillar abscess. The differences between these conditions -- one requires antibiotics alone and one requires a painful needle drainage followed by antibiotics, and then the one in between is a fifty-fifty shot at the needle and a 100% shot at the antibiotics.
"I could drain it," the ENT explains, "but I wouldn't get much fluid out of it." Shit, then by all means, let's not drain the fucker. Let it be; for the sake of my sanity, leave the damn thing alone.
But, that's not the funny part, for there really is a funny part in all of this.
As soon as the doc at my primary care office announces that I need to go to the ER immediately if they cannot locate an ENT this late in the afternoon, I start texting people (not many people; just three good pals, my sister, and my daughter, who is an RN; the people who've been in on this fiasco since the get-go), answering their texts from earlier in the day.
From Pal #1: Let me know how the doctor appointment goes.To Pal #1: Jesuschristalmighty my life is a clusterfuck. Will chat later.
From Pal #2: Keep me posted. Let me know if you need anything.
To Pal #2: Ten minutes short of the ER. What a clusterfuck of an experience. I'll fill you in soon.
(Apparently, everything about the past five days has been one giant clusterfuck.)
From Pal #3: Let me know if you need wheelchair accessible...
To Pal #3: Probably headed to ER. Bring me new skivvies if they admit me.
From Pal #3: What do I do with the old ones? I don't have a roof rack for that large an object.
From Sister: (yesterday) Medical update?
To Sister: (yesterday) Blogworthy day. Call me.
From Sister: (today) What did the doctor say?
To Sister: (today) Another epic day. Chat soon.
To Daughter: (without my glasses) Peeitonsilurabcess mightbe. going toer
To Daughter: (with my glasses) Headed to ENT for emergency consult
(Phone rings; it's daughter; she deciphered my message; she meets me at ENT appointment; I love her.)
Holy shit, can anything stranger happen to me today? Seriously? Why do I ask these things? Of course something stranger is going to happen.
The doctor is staring into my throat, examining behind my tonsils, with a camera. He starts poking around then asks me to bend my head forward so the medical resident can see. "She's shorter than I am, " he chuckles. Um, sure, let me just take my tube-filled nostrils with me here. And then he says to my daughter, "You're an RN. Wanna see this?"
My daughter sidles over to the camera, takes a gander, and exclaims, "Wow, that's the first epiglottis I've seen all day!"
Friends, family, and some great medical staff from start to finish. I go for a follow-up in two days, and tonight I expect to get the best sleep I've had in six nights. And, yes, as serious as it is and could have been (so much worse), it's still damn funny. After all, it's just another one of the awful things I endure on account of being me.
