Hateful little bastard.
Must. Kill. Elf.
Let's face it -- The thing is creepy. He has beady little elf eyes, wears his freakin' pajamas everywhere, and reports everything you say and do and hear to The Big Man up at the North Pole. While this may be a normal thing in some of your homes, I find it mildly disturbing.
I have recruited several of my Christmas tree ornaments to sign on to a quest: Kill the Elf on a Shelf. Led by Yukon on a Futon Cornelius, a bare-butt Troll in a Bowl by his side, we are joined this installment by Snoopy on Skates. Their mission is to track down Elf on a Shelf, eliminate him, and donate his weird bug-eyes to science.
Sung to the tune of Theme Song from the Beverly Hillbillies:
Come listen to a story about an Elf on the Shelf,
A red-suited minion who helped Santa out himself.
Then one day he was searching with his eyes
When what appeared, to his beady surprise?
The other elves all trembled and peed themselves with fear
That Elf on the Shelf might hide his buttocks near.
They said, "Under mistletoe's the place you'd rather be!"
So Elf in the Shelf went and hid in the tree.
Christmas tree, that is. Balsam fir.
So out came the best-- Old Snoopy on his skates,
He chased off the Elf from the shelf with all the plates.
Now Snoopy went and captured his own china-patterned rink,
But he still hasn't caught Shelfie Elf, that old dink.
(Your earworm for the day. You're welcome!)
