CHARLIE BROWN-ISH IN THE 'HOOD

What the .... What the hell is this shit?!  What the holy hell is this crap masquerading itself as "A Charlie Brown Christmas"?  I think I've just been permanently damaged.

Linus telling Santa, "Hey, man..."

Sally bullying a kid and stealing his tree

A girl telling Linus, "My name is Jezabel"

Lucy finding the word "sister" in the Bible then demanding a gift for locating it

A wooden tree shape falling out of Snoopy's house

Snoopy playing folk music on an accordian

And this is only after turning it on halfway through.

Either the television industry is smoking crack or I am because this show sucks.  SUCKS.  I haven't watched it in a few years, so I thought it would be fun to turn the show on, but apparently it's the Brown gang that has "turned on."  There are way too many drugs or 'shrooms or something being ingested in this new TV neighborhood.  How freakin' bad is it when the teacher is the only one who makes any sense (wooomp waaaahhh wooomp woooomp waaahhhhh...)?

Listen up, television industry:  Don't fuck with my Christmas specials.

When I put on "A Charlie Brown Christmas," that's exactly what I expect to see.  The very same one that came out in 1965.  Not some urbanized crap that some idiot thinks is more realistic for today's kids.  Be serious!  Charles Schulz knew what the hell he was doing.  This is almost as bad as Jim Carrey's live-action Grinch or Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka.  Okay, to be honest, Depp is probably more like the perverse, child-molesting (murderer?) in the original story than Gene Wilder played him to be.  And to be even more honest, Ralphie in A Christmas Story really comes from a much, much, much darker place.  (Read In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash if you don't believe me.)

But these are literary realities, movies that were made based on widely-read books.  Charlie Brown is based on the cartoon books and the comic strip of our youth.  What's the matter, are people afraid the whole Christmas thing is going to offend non-Christians or something?  I hate to clue anybody in, but Christmas IS a Christian holiday.  People really have to get over it. 

I can't even begin to describe how disappointed, depressed, and emotionally scarred I am from watching twenty minutes of that holiday special.  Did they show the original in the first half-hour and I missed it?  I mean, really.  Someone clue me in here.  I turned on the television at 8:31.  Did I miss something, or is this really how it's going to go from here on out?

Well, RIP, Charlie Brown.  You had a good run and you died way too young.  Forty-Eight is hardly a life at all.  I guess it had to come to this.  I mean, everything else is getting censored and rewritten and re-imagined: history books are re-writing history and literature is re-writing Twain and others to be more PC.  Don't worry, Charlie Brown;  Huck Finn and Guy Montag and Hamlet (et al) are right behind you being cast off into oblivion.

Fucking shameful.