T'was the night before Christmas,
And all through the blogs
Not a creature was stirring -
Arterial clogs.
Over the hearth edge
The stockings were hung
'Cause when they came off
That's where they were flung.
The children were playing
Some video games.
Swearing and calling
Each other bad names.
And I had just chugged
Another night-cap.
It settled my brain
Into a long nap.
When down in the den
There arose such a clatter,
I sprang to the PC
To see what was the matter.
I loaded to Windows;
The monitor flashed.
Oh, damn, I said
loudly,
The Internet
crashed!"
(In the original,
This part was best:
Clement C. Moore
Wrote in the word "breast.")
When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear?
Colorful Google,
So bright and so clear!
But the crusty old driver
Inside my PC
Made a horrible sound:
A grind then a wheeee.
More rapid than eagles
The viruses hit,
Even Kaspersky
Said, "You're in deep shit."
"Oh damnit, oh asshole,
Oh fuck this whole world!"
I lost all my data;
The swears that were hurled!
It up loaded Facebook -
Quick! To the Wall!
And post a short message
To one and to all.
As dry leaves that
before
The wild hurricane fly
--
Moore wrote that dumb ditty;
Nobody knows why.
So up to the menu
My fingers all flew -
I searched every bookmark,
One time, sometimes two.
And then, in a twinkling
The monitor screen
Turned an ominous shade
Of Grinch-loving green.
Just like The Exorcist
Movie, I found
I was getting angry,
My head spinning around.
The blog was all screwed up
From footer to header;
My blood pressure rose as
My face got much redder.
Suddenly Santa
Was there with a pack
Of brand new blog topics
Just filling that sack.
His eyes, how they twinkled,
His brain was on fire
With new blog ideas
For my heart's desire.
With a wink of his eye,
He shared all with me.
I sat down to type
Every new blog entry.
And laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
"No, Santa, don't do it!"
Up his nostril it goes.
He sprang to the door
And prepped for his exit.
I said, "I'm not finished!"
If he leaves, that wrecks it.
But I heard him exclaim
As he rose o'er the fence,
"This fucking blog entry
Makes no goddamn sense!"
Merry Christmas, all.
