Here's how my all-day meeting ended.
Swear it's all true. Word for
word. Mostly.
PERSON: (perkily
- is that even a word?) So, everyone should sign up for the free
course that's being offered.
ME: I don't
need it. I already did most of the work,
and I don't have time.
PERSON: (enthusiastically) But … you'll get credits for the course!
ME: I don't
need the credits. I've already maxed out
on credits. (Grins broadly.) I have enough credits to last the rest of my
career.
PERSON: But …
you'll have to do the work, anyway.
ME: (shaking
head) No, I won't. I already did the work. Last year.
Remember? When we all took the
same course. Last. Year.
PERSON: But … we're going to make you do the work, so don't you want the credits?
ME: Who's
going to make me do the work? If I don't
take the course, I don't do the work.
And I already told you, I don't need the credits.
PERSON: (clearly
confused) But … you HAVE to take the
course.
ME: It's
voluntary. I don't volunteer. You sign up if you want to, though. (Starts packing stuff up.)
PERSON: But …
but … you HAVE to.
ME: Look, what
part of voluntary is unclear here?
PERSON: (sneering)
We'll make you do the work, anyway. It
has to be done outside of the building.
ME: I already
work outside of the building. I don't
need the credits, I don't have the time, and I already did the work, for which
I got credits LAST year. Remember? When we already DID this project. I'm not doing it again.
PERSON:
(sputtering) But … but …. but … but ...
ME: (smiling
sweetly) I'm not signing up for the course.
PERSON: (with
fire shooting out of nostrils) YOU HAVE TO!.
ME: (using
distracting ploy) Hey, look at the
monkey outside!
PERSON: (clueless) Monkey?!
ME: (shrugging) This is what talking to a politician must be
like.
PERSON: Even
monkeys never refuse. (hissing) You can't refuse.
ME: I know, I
know. The universe will collapse. Then YOU won't get any credits, either.
PERSON: But
it's … (Starts twitching, one eye rolling to the left and the other to the
right simultaneously.)
ME:
Voluntary. Yes, I totally
understand. I am an English major, after
all. (Snapping fingers, pointing, and
looking wistful.) Hey, so are you. Do you understand what "voluntary
enrollment" means?
PERSON: (stamping
both feet) I will MAKE you do the
project! I will FORCE you to comply.
ME: (shaking
head with sympathy) Oh, pumpkin, greater
minds than yours have tried to turn me.
Ever hear of Darth Vadar?
PERSON: You
cannot refuse! I refuse to allow you to
refuse! (screeching) YOU MUST COMPLY!
ME:
Voldemort? Obama? David Blaine?
The Michelin Man? All have tried;
None has succeeded.
PERSON: You…
you're … you're wrecking the whole universe!
(Hiding under desk) Black holes!
BLACK HOLES!
ME: Honey,
you're gonna bust a blood vessel.
PERSON:
(throwing paperwork in last ditch attempt) Look, look here! See all this data? What can you make out of this?
JOHNNY: Why, I
can make a hat, or a brooch, or a pterodactyl!
ME: Sign-up is
voluntary. You cannot force me to do the
work, especially since I already did it.
I don't need the credits. I don't
have the time. Quite frankly, I simply
do not want to do it. I also don't want
to eat lima beans nor drink kerosene nor poke my eyes out with a dull
fork. You gonna make me do that, too?
PERSON: (in a
huge puff of green smoke)
AAAAAARGGGGH! I'll get you, my
pretty, and your little dog, too!
JOHNNY: Auntie
Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister, it's a twister!
ME: Hey, it's
2:30. Meeting's over. Time to go!
PERSON: (straightening out skirt, composing self, and
forcing a fake smirk) Just one last item
on our agenda. So, everyone should sign
up for the free course that's being offered.
(Sounds of multiple palm-to-head smacking.)
This is almost accurate. When my
senses finally returned, I noticed some blood and brain matter on the cement
blocks and a large gash on my forehead. I suspect I may have tried to bang my
head against the wall, but really, why should today be any different than any
other day. Anyone have an aspirin
and a tourniquet?
