My Pre-Hurricane Grocery List:
Bottled water (a case
… just in case)
Milk (half gallon)
Ziti (Gotta have
burner-ready food if power goes out)
Spaghetti (yeah, I
know it's pasta just like thin, long ziti - sue me)
(Oh, look! Fresh pita
bread!)
Pita bread
(Damn, now I need
tahini. Circle back to the end of aisles
1 & 2.)
Tahini (Joseph's brand
because the Joseph's guy is filling it into the case)
Tabouleh (Joseph's brand because now Joseph's guy is
blocking access to other brands)
(Oh, look! Carnation Instant Breakfast. Double back to end of aisles 1 & 2 and
grab another half gallon of milk, not even bothering to think I will have to
drink it all if the electricity goes out.)
Toilet paper (speaks
for itself … well, not literally.
Imagine the cracks it could make about my ass. Get it?
Cracks? Ass? Ass cracks?
Hello? Is this mic on?)
Paper towels (something's
going to spring a leak if/when the rain starts)
Steak tips (and
sirloin burgers and already-cooked chicken - Apparently when the storm hits,
I'm hosting a BBQ.)
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in a Halloween-sized bag (For the "children" ... the
"children" … the "chillllllllllllllllllldrennnnnnnnn." Oh, fuck it, it's for me.)
Fresh veggies (to go
with the "Halloween" candy that won't make it to trick-or-treaters)
Ice cream (to make
Carnation Instant Breakfast shakes that my ass truly doesn't need)
Dishwasher gel (all
this eating is going to generate dirty dishes)
(Shit. I forgot the bread. Back up a few aisles.)
Bread (Wait a
sec. I already have whole-grain white
bread at-- Oh, look! Honey wheat!)
(At the end of the
bread aisle and the produce aisle is the bakery. Now I'm all discombobulated, so I must buy
two cannolis. I understand they aren't
Tripoli cannolis, but they're here and they're calling me, so I must have
them. Now. Right now.)
Cannoli with chocolate chips
Cannoli without chocolate chips
(It really doesn't
matter one bit whether or not the cannolis have decorative finishes like chips;
those damn cannolis will be lucky to make it home.)
Okay, Frankenstorm, I'm ready! But you'd better hurry. I've already devoured or broken into just
about everything I bought today. I'll
also have to shut off the outside lights (and maybe even the inside ones, too)
as the Halloween candy has already been relegated to Pre-Halloween status and
seems to be disappearing at an alarming rate.
Maybe Mother Nature will cover me and send Hurricane Sandy to cut the
power. After all, if I'm not ready now,
I never will be, and it'll make me look like less of an a-hole if the front
light is out on Wednesday evening when "trick-or-treat" really means
"I ate all your damn candy, now bugger off!"
