Cheetos, especially the flamin' hot ones, are being banned
in schools in several states. While I'm
not completely against the ban, as we probably should be serving kids healthier
lunches, I'm not certain I'm for it, either.
Isn't this the land of choices, the land of rampant consumerism? Home of the free and land of the brave?
When I was in high school, the administration took away
Doritos. No world of a lie: They banned
taco chips. This ban didn't directly
affect me as my daily lunch staples were Yodels and a white milk (whole milk,
of course, none of this sissy low-fat shit like I am addicted to now), but my friends
were all die-hard Dorito-eaters. My
heart broke for them and their chip-free lunches. Never mind that their hands would never be
dusty-greasy orange ever again. This was
about freedom! This was about
liberty! This was about … this was about
… school lunches …. and … um …. chips …. and…. What the Hell -- We were in high
school. It didn't have to be about
any-damn-thing.
To combat this terrible lunch injustice, we formed a secret
organization that would do things like distribute fliers and paint the giant
rock with our slogans. We gave ourselves
clever, politically incorrect names like Paco Taco and Enrique Take-a-Lique,
and we called ourselves the Taco Chip Liberation Army. We even had our own newsletter, cleverly
copied by a sympathetic teacher during his planning periods, a teacher I
promise NEVER to "out" as a TCLA secret operative (See, Mr. W? I promised to protect your identity, Chuck,
you ole freshman English teacher at West Junior High who then moved up to teach
at the High School, ole buddy, ole pal.)
There was nothing like finding the rock (a boulder near the
school entrance) freshly painted by some sports team only to paint it over with
"Free the Doritos! Signed, Taco Chip Liberation Army." The best part of our day happened the morning
after re-painting someone else's artwork, and watching their deflated faces as
they realized the Taco Chip Liberation Army had struck again. Yes, we were evil and we were crafty, but
most of all, our parents hated us and didn't give a crap where we were until
all hours of a school night, so we were able to pull off subversive tricks such
as this.
Eventually the school caved to our demands and threatening
tactics and brought back Doritos. Or
maybe someone had simply forgotten to order them for a few weeks. Either way, TCLA soon faded into distant
memory. Plus, the ringleaders graduated
a year ahead of the rest of us. Even
though taco chips were liberated, I still ate Yodels and milk for lunch. I figured we'd never get as much press as
Patty Hearst nor as much notoriety as the SLO (Symbionese Liberation Army),
anyway.
Currently, someone wants to start this crap all over again
by banning Cheetos. Cheetos! People, Cheetos, you know, the cheese that
goes CRUNCH! Eventually they'll come for
the Cheezits, the Wheat Thins, the Fritos, and maybe even Townhouse
Crackers. I wouldn't put it past them to
go for the Ritz and the Sociables, too.
If we don't stop them now, eventually they'll take down the whole snack
aisle and we'll be left with nothing but raisins and trail mix with dried
apricots, and I doubt very much anyone will form the Dehydrated Plum Liberation
Army. You never know, though; I suppose
it could happen.
