Christopher
Columbus: He gave diseases like
Smallpox to the natives of the New World; they paid him back by infecting him
and his entire crew with Syphilis, which they then spread to the entire known
world, prolific buggers that they were.
George Washington: Proof that a cold-water dunking in the
Delaware and ill-fitting false teeth weren't his most uncomfortable maladies;
first post-Articles of the Confederation president, beat Bill Clinton to the presidential
cigar trick by centuries.
Napoleon
Bonaparte: Probably should've
kept his hand in his jacket and his pecker in his pants, he reportedly died of
arsenic consumption, the common treatment at the time for syphilis. No wonder he had that pained expression in
all his portraits.
Franz Schubert: Gifted 19th century musician and
composer, probably should've kept both hands on the keyboard; his nocturnal
fantasia chamber music apparently was too effective in the … um … chamber.
Scott Joplin: Composer, pianist, and the King of Ragtime
made his living playing piano in bordellos.
Is this really a surprise?
Casanova: An early condom wearer (sheep guts tied on
with a pink ribbon), he probably should've just stayed away from sheep
altogether. His last words were,
"The lights are dimming in the baaaaaahhck."
Leo Tolstoy: Less time writing War and Peace and more time reading Planned Parenthood pamphlets
may have saved this author's life (and the rest of us a shit-load of required
reading).
Ivan the Terrible: See, now if he'd been Ivan the Pretty Good or had a tongue like Gene Simmons, it probably
would've kept him from becoming infected; enjoyed sex with anyone and everyone;
probably responsible for spreading syphilis to animals, including fish, across
the entire Eurasian land mass.
Nietzsche: Ironically enough, this VD victim claimed,
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger"; went completely
insane from the effects of venereal disease rotting his brain cells and became
a famous professional philosopher.
Henry VIII: And you thought he chopped off his wives'
heads because he was bored with them; Pissed off he got syphilis (probably from
one of his royal guardsmen), Henry proceeded to spread it around like peanut
butter in mouse traps then decapitate the witnesses; PS - He wasn't grossly
obese - he was big-boned … or so the ladies claimed.
Hitler and
Mussolini: Oh great, so you're telling me WWII was a result of VD? Gives new meaning to the concept that
Mussolini was just Hitler's "back-door man." Ew.
Just ew.
Shakespeare: Poor bastard - It was bad enough he married
an old cougar he impregnanted by accident, but VD, too? Look, he wasn't Edward de Vere, Francis
Bacon, nor Christopher Marlowe; he was a very naughty boy with a wandering
wicket; apparently he knew exactly what it meant to be the guy with the
"spongy, rude-growing cod piece."
