ZOO PEOPLE

The best thing about visiting a zoo is that the animals are not always the most fascinating things on display.  Actually, sometimes the animals aren't on display at all.  Of course, this is what happens when I visit a zoo off-season but on a nice day. 

Due to the weather and school vacation, the zoo is mobbed -- wall to wall people everywhere.  Due to the fact that it's not yet consistently good weather, some of the animals are not out on display.  That's okay, though.  The throngs of people everywhere are interesting enough and make the visit well worth the price of admission.  Okay, admission is free, but still.

First is the young man walking around in the t-shirt that has written in big letters "DRUNK AS SHIT."  Now, I'm not a scientist nor a doctor, but I am reasonably certain that shit doesn't drink, nor does alcohol go directly into the sphincter, so I must surmise that this young man isn't drunk at all.  It's a long shot, but even if he were, advertising such a state at the zoo is probably not a proud nor intelligent thing to do.  I mean, are the gorillas going to care?  Will the alligators be concerned?  Are the elephants going to stampede simply because this human claims to be "DRUNK AS SHIT"?  I am doubtful, but I'd kind of like to see it happen.

Then there's the woman who is yelling at her husband/date.  They are standing in front of the reptile house, blocking the sidewalk, nose to nose, and the man is standing stone-still while the woman is in his face, screeching loudly over and over again, "WHATDOYOUWANNADO! WHATDOYOUWANNADO! WHATDOYOUWANNADO! WHATDOYOUWANNADO! WHATDOYOUWANNADO! WHATDOYOUWANNADO! WHATDOYOUWANNADO! WHATDOYOUWANNADO!..."  I don't advocate violence, but how this woman does not get punched in the face is beyond me.  I even wanted to punch her in the face.  Her voice and demeanor are more annoying than the birds, and the kookaburra wouldn't beat her in a cackling contest.  The woman is still screaming and repeating herself thirty seconds later when I finally get out of ear range. 

The strangest sight at the zoo has to be the carriage situation.  Out of all the children in carriages that I see, almost none of them is small enough to belong in one.  In other words, the toddlers and infants are either walking or being carried.  The children in carriages are all HUGE.  Ridiculously huge.  The youngest one I see looks to be about eight and the oldest is ... well ... maybe ... fourteen.  I understand children getting tired and the zoo is built on a massive hill, but seriously.  It's like watching the donkeys riding in the cart instead of pulling it.  It's shocking to me how large these children are riding in carriages.  It takes one strong parent, sometimes two or more adults, to push these lazy lard-asses up the paths.  The whole thing is weirdly compelling: once I notice it, it's impossible to look away, especially if the large pre-teen is whining. 

It's more fun than the monkey house.

As I'm heading toward the exit, I pass a guy wearing a t-shirt that clearly states, "JESUS SAVES, BRO."  I almost flag him down because I figure he might be able to help the kid who is "DRUNK AS SHIT."  In the end, though, just like real animals in the wild, when it comes to maneuvering through the bizarre zoo crowd, it truly is survival of the fittest.  I am relieved to report that I made it out of there alive and with all my limbs intact.