GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!

Guess what day it is!  Guess what day it is!!! 

Well, yeah, but it's also New Year's Eve. 

How is the old year ending and the new one starting?  With a head cold.  Yup, I will literally (and I mean that word literally) blow the snot right out of the New Year.

Of course I'm feeling sickly.  It's my break from work.  Why use sick days for sick days when I can use vacation days for sick days, right? 

I figure it's the stress.  Stress keeps me going, keeps me wound up.  Now that the stress of posting grades at school is over, and now that the stress of Christmas is over, I have nothing to do but let down my guard. 

The very moment I do? 

Bingo!

Head cold.

So, guess what day it is!  Guess, guess, guess, guess!

It's the day I relax and take it easy so maybe I can sneak out for a little while tonight while my head cold isn't paying proper attention, that's what day it is.

Happy New Year's Eve, folks.  Stay safe.  I'll see ya next year.

TRASH DAY

(Not my pile ... but close)

Thank goodness it is trash day.

I am cleaning out the basement, a daunting task at any time, but my trash day is Tuesday.  This means I have to have some of this task wrapped up and out to the curb before the truck rolls by.  This sounds like a simple task, but I know how this goes.  Just when I think it's all under control, I am struck by the near-deadly brainstorm that whispers ...

One more box.

I uncover crayons and Halloween costumes and baby clothes and tools and camping gear and candles.  I weed out some of this stuff, along with old CD holders, used-up floor mats, a broken tray-desk, some black-matte tea cups that feel creepy to touch, and some unfixable hand-held electronics. 

I finally ignore the lure of one more box and step away, tying off the several bags of trash and hauling it all to  the street.  I can work on it later.  After all, it will be seven more days before the next trash truck comes by.  I have some time.  I have a whole week before it's trash day again.

If you've seen my basement, you'll know I need every moment between now and then to make some progress.  And if you don't hear from me before then, come untangle me from the giant cobwebs ... and that one ... more ... box.

AGAIN ... AND AGAIN ... AND AGAIN

Time to get organized.  Again.

Time to try and lose weight.  Again.

Time to be a better person.  Again.

Time to clean out the basement.  Again.

Time to make resolutions.  Again.

I know why the New Year’s ball falls in Times Square:

It’s times like these,

Times when we try to square our lives away,

That lead to bitter self-disappointment,

That lead to searing self-flagellation,

That lead to wrenching self-doubt.

This is the time of year when we allow ourselves

One shining moment

One fleeting instance

Of hope for the future:

Hope that we won’t be sitting here

At the same time next year

Kicking ourselves in

Our proverbial asses for

The Failures We Have Become.

Square times in Times Square.

It is almost the New Year –

Go forth and be disappointed.  Again.

SATURDAY TASTINGS

Sometimes Saturday is Wine Tasting Day.

There are three liquor stores close to my house that host Friday night beer tastings (sometimes) and Saturday afternoon wine tastings (always).  I have a route mapped out, as I have mentioned before in this blog, and I time it so that I can hit all three tastings within about 75-90 minutes, including travel time.

I think I am unique in my strategy, but today that bubble bursts.

This week I can only find two of the three usual tastings listed in my email “in” box, so I plan for just the two stops today. 

I arrive at destination #1 to find a six-bottle (perhaps it’s more) table set up with all kinds of champagne, with the coup de gras at the end:  an $85 bottle of champagne (on sale at the store for $63).  It truly is great champagne, but I don’t think my palette will ever be able to discern an $8 from a $15 bottle from a $20 bottle to a $63 bottle.

I buy the $8 champagne (which is pretty darn tasty) and head to the next tasting.

The second place has a four-bottle table set up.  A couple has just arrived, so we start the tasting together.  A few more people come by – a girl wearing a college sweatshirt, and a couple that looks vaguely familiar, so I’ll call them That Guy (and wife).  Here we start with the more expensive and work down the cheaper ones. Nothing really lights my fancy. 

Afterward, I roam the aisles comparing prices on the champagnes from one store to the other.  This is where I run into That Guy and his wife again.

ME:  Are you looking for an inexpensive bottle of champagne?

THAT GUY:  Yeah, nothing too ridiculous.

ME:  (pointing to a bottle that was about $16 at the other store and $18 here)  This stuff is pretty good, and it’s got a decent price on it.  I was just at another tasting and I had it.

THAT GUY:  Were you at the wine store in the old village?

ME:  Yes … were you?

At this point, three of us are laughing, me and That Guy and his wife.  We chat for a few moments about how we are each doing The Unofficial Saturday Circuit.  I already bought myself a bottle of champagne at the last place, so I head to the back for a six pack of Budweiser in bottles that I can drag out of the massive cooler.

As I’m finishing up my sale, I call out, “See you next Saturday!”

That Guy laughs.  “Sorry,” he says, sounding genuinely apologetic, “but we’ll be away next weekend.”

“Then, the Saturday after that,” I reply.

The conversation ends and all is right with the world again.  I grab my beer, add it to the other brown bag on the floor behind my seat in the car, and start counting away until next Saturday.   

PLOP PLOP FIZZ FIZZ

I like getting phone calls from anonymous, unsolicited callers.

No, not those kinds of anonymous callers. 

The “unknown number” people, the telemarketers, the people who won’t stop calling even when I threaten legal action.  (A person recently won over a million dollars after telemarketers were charged $1,500 per each unsolicited phone call.) 

So, I’ve started a new tactic. 

When I see “unknown caller,” I answer the phone cheerily.  “Why … HELLOOOOOOOOO!”  Then, I put down the phone receiver and walk away, resuming whatever it was I happened to be doing before I was interrupted by the unknown moron.

Tonight when I answer the phone, I am in the middle of mixing up a frozen margarita.  I’ve started cleaning the basement, and I earned a refreshing reward for all of my hard work battling cobwebs and dirt and dryer lint and dust bunnies the size of, well, bunnies.  So, I answer the phone, put the receiver down on the kitchen table, and resume what I am doing.

I’m no longer at the blending part; I’m at the pouring part.  The sound the margarita makes going into the cup is kind of a whoosh-plop sound, followed quickly by the faucet turning on to rinse out the glass part of the blender. 

I realize, to my sinister delight, that it must sound to the caller like I am in the bathroom.

Got to admit – it was the quickest unsolicited caller hang-up I’ve ever had.

It reminds me of the old Alka Seltzer commercial – Plop plop fizz fizz oh what a relief it is! 

Can’t wait until the next unsuspecting idiot phones.  (Insert evil laughter and the sound of a sloppy margarita hitting the glass here.)

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

‘Twas the day after Christmas

And all through the home

I am finally relieved

For a moment alone.

The stores are all having

Their post-Christmas sales,

Plus all the returns for

The gifts that were fails.

Back to reality

The post-Christmas calm

But my house looks a little

Like it got hit by a bomb

And the leftovers

Wrapped up, packed away,

End up on my hips.

(What the heck do I weigh?!)

This brief little down-time

Will not last too long;

It’s time for a list

Of all I do wrong

So I can pretend to make

Some resolutions -

As if 2015 has

Magic solutions.

I’d like to lose ten pounds,

Or fifteen, or twenty,

But I am too lazy;

I like my chair plenty.

I’ve got five more days

Too try and be good,

To plan out my life

The way that I should.

At my age I’m lucky,

And luck will be taken –

I consider it lucky

If daily I waken.

So folks, it’s that time –

That holiday lull –

When all our bad habits

Are voided and null.

Enjoy this quick break

With no stress and no fear

Because in a few days

It will be the New Year.

Here’s to some planning

Xmas holiday –

I’m going to start shopping
GET OUT OF MY WAY!

We all will exclaim

As the old year does pass:

“Next Christmas will NOT

Bite me right in the ass!”

SIMPLE SENTIMENT

Wishing all of my friends a safe and happy and healthy Christmas and New Year.

(That's all.  Nothing more and nothing less.)

TOO LATE TO PANIC NOW

It's Christmas Eve.

I have some baking to do, some cooking to do, and a bag of gifts to deliver. 
The presents are under the tree.
Stocking gifts are ready to be stuffed into knitted socks fit for a giant.

I didn't decorate as much as usual.
I'm not going to cook as much as usual.
I'm not going to stress as much as usual.
There's a short list left to do.
It'll get done;
Or it won't.
I live on a street that doubles as the church parking lot.
I have to be home and secure before mass starts lest I am trapped streets away.
Every year I swear I will be ready.
Every year Christmas sneaks up on me.
Well, it's too late to panic now.
It's here.
Merry Christmas Eve:
Be safe, be happy, and eat just a little too much.

THE DAY BEFORE SCHOOL BREAK

‘Twas the day before school break

And all through the class

Not a student sat calmly,

Not a one on his/her ass.

The teachers were nestled

Each one at a desk

Eating baked presents:

Some sweet – some grotesque.

I looked at my scarf and

I looked at my coat,

The day almost over,

I tried not to gloat.

When out in the hallway

There arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my chair to see

What was the matter.

I smacked my own forehead,

And said, “What a shocker!

It’s pre-vacation time

To clean out each locker.”

Then it came time

To the gym we did go

So we could enjoy

The school holiday show.

The band and the chorus,

And many more features,

Including The Twelve Days

Performed by the teachers.

“I won’t go up there,”

I laughed through my belly.

“Make an ass of myself?

No way in hell-y!”

Though I like watching,

It’s apparent to me

That there’s some other place

Most of us would rather be.

Then the bell sounded

And all the dismissals

Sent kids through the halls

Like they’re humanoid missiles.

And I hear them exclaim

As they run and they cheer,

“Happy holidays, Teacher,

We’ll see ya next year!”