I love political survey phone calls. I prefer to actually speak with someone when
the anonymous call comes through, and I time myself to see how long it takes me
to get the survey-taker off script.
Sometimes, if they're human and have a sense of humor, political survey
pollsters are actually entertaining.
Most of the time, though, not so much.
Especially Democrats.
They don't know how to have fun.
"Please just ANSWER the question about how much you love President
Obama and want to have his babies. Press 5 if you agree, 4 if you sort of agree, 3 if
you don't have an opinion, 2 if you sort of don't agree, 1 if disagree, and 0
if you need me to repeat the options…"
ZERO! (Sigh.
Repeat.) ZERO! (Sigh. Repeat.)
ZERO! (Sigh.
Repeat.) ZERO! (Expletive. Click.)
The Republicans like to stack the questions. "Tell me, do you support the second
amendment….OR ARE YOU A LIBERAL BABY KILLER?!
Which one are you, motherfucker?????" Hmmmm,
I'll take famous Kenyans who haven't won the Boston Marathon, for two hundred
dollars, Alex.
The Independent pollsters are the best because they are
actually the only ones who fully understand, totally comprehend, and
intelligently articulate the knowledge that "unenrolled" is a
legitimate political voting status, and that it doesn't necessarily mean the
unenrolled voter is a Libertarian. Chances are, though, that unenrolled voters
think like Libertarians and vote like manic-depressives on LSD.
Today I receive a robo-call.
A robo-call! I can't even heckle
the person on the phone because there is no person on the phone; it is just me
and some goddamned computer auto-dialing program. "Please answer when I read the names of
the Republican candidates for senate."
How can I answer? You're a robo-caller. "Press 1 if you've heard of the
candidate and have a positive opinion, press 2 if you have no opinion, press 3
if you've heard of the candidate and have a negative opinion, and press 4 if
you've never heard of the candidate."
There was no option for "I don't give a flying fuck."
Now, before I go any further, let me tell you this is a
one-year U.S. senate seat position that was vacated by that make-believe
Vietnam War vet John Kerry, our latest appointment to the do-nothing position
of Secretary of State (sometimes I miss Henry Kissinger). The Golden Boy, the guy who kicked the
Kennedy-humpers' asses, Scott Brown, is not running this time. After losing to a fake Indian (not a Native
American because even they are insulted by this fauxcohontas), Brown has
decided that spending time with his family and working like a real American is
a better option then getting back on the Hack Machine that is Washington. Without Brown running, there really isn't
anyone in the race who is either memorable or clear of any federal prosecution
that prevents them from leaving the country lest they be extradited back via
force.
So it is a semi-important U.S. senate race.
I have not heard of a single one of these Republican
candidates, and the Democratic candidates all have pending subpoenas or indictments or
sentencing hearings hanging over their heads.
What a pisser.
I hang up the phone after being told that this survey is
sponsored by candidate Dan Winslow. Now
I feel kind of bad that I didn't at least pretend to know who the guy is. Imagine getting your own survey back and
discovering you're still a nobody with mere weeks until the special
election.
I suppose there's a special place in Hell for people like
me, people who love their country but distrust their government, people who
still believe that the Constitution is a living, breathing document, people who
salute the flag and stop wherever they're standing or walking to respectfully
listen to our national anthem. People
like me who complain about The Machine but don't bother to learn who's running
for the open senate seat that will be vacant for a whole minute until the next
real election. People like me who dare
to comment while looking through dirty lenses, assuming I see all there is to
see.
Problem is that if I look at it clearly, I'll see all the
bullshit spread around by the politicians, and I'm in no mood to put on my BS
meter for a one-year appointment. I
honestly don't give a rat's patootie which one of those lying bastards wins the
election this time. I'll concentrate on
the next election, the one that matters.
In the meantime, send the pollsters my way. I do so enjoy skewing the poll results, and
there's nothing more fun than cracking up a real live survey-taker. It's the only sport I'm still really good at,
and the more practice I get, the better off I'll be when the important election
comes along. Feel free to press 4 now -
It may not disconnect this blog post, but at least you can deny knowing me when
The Machine comes knocking.PS -- It has come to my attention that Gabriel Gomez is a Navy Seal and NOT currently facing any indictments, at least that have been made public. Since he is the only candidate running from any party who appears to have done honest service for his country instead of expecting his country to service him, I'm voting for Gomez in the special election. Take THAT, pollsters!
