First, I get the strange cashier with the purple and bubblegum hair who thinks rats live inside the navel orange I'm buying. Then, the damn vegetables try and kill me.
For dinner one night I decide to make a huge salad. I make so much salad that I have to put it into a huge party-sized bowl. I heap a mountain of salad on to my plate, top it with feta cheese, croutons, and steak. The salad is delicious, so delicious that I make myself three small containers of it plus one large container. I will have lunch for the entire week!
For dinner tonight I decide to make a huge pot of pasta with sauce, to be served with the large salad. I never finished my lunch salad, so I quickly polish that off so I can make room on my plate later for more salad. After all, SALAD IS HEALTHY, right?
I put my lunch salad container in the sink to soak, and I start setting the kitchen table for dinner when I come across this gem:
https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2018/s1120-ecoli-romain-lettuce.html
The article claims that ALL romaine lettuce must be disposed off, even if you haven't gotten sick. I find this hard to believe. I mean, there has to be a lot number or a sell-by date recall or something. The news cannot possibly mean every damn shred of romaine lettuce, right?
WRONG.
The more I look into this, the more it upsets my stomach with the salad that I just finished eating. Yes, the CDC says, everyone must throw out any and all romaine lettuce, regardless of where and when it was bought or in what condition (fresh, bagged...). Article after article, video after video, it sounds like we will all suffer a Jim Jones death if we do not surrender the lettuce.
You see, THIS right here is why I shouldn't eat healthier: First my navel orange has a large animal living inside of it because the cashier is a weirdo, and now this. Now my goddamned lettuce is trying to off me.
That's it! That's it, that's it, that's it. No more of this "Let's eat healthy" bullshit. Hand over the Oreos, kids; I'm going to live to be one hundred!
