I am at the store buying food, trying to be healthy by choosing fruits and vegetables. (Okay, I buy cookies, too. Don't judge me.) I decide to buy stuff to make salad, but I also throw a navel orange into my basket. I do a whole bunch of shopping -- it has been about two weeks since I did a comprehensive grocery trip -- and there is a huge line to get through the one and only register that is open.
As soon as it is finally my turn, the woman in front of me is arguing with the cashier about something being on sale. She demands the manager, then she starts talking into her phone as if Google or Siri will answer her question, "Is this ziti 99 cents or 88 cents? Damnit, I want to know NOW!"
Finally, the store opens a second register. I take my cart to the new cashier, who is a man about thirty years old (probably older) with multi-color purple-pink hair. Normally I don't give a crap what color anyone's hair is, but, as I am trying to get him to ring faster than he is chatting, he tells me all about how he wanted bubblegum-colored hair, but the bubblegum has worn out already.
Meanwhile, with no bagger in sight, I start bagging my own groceries. Suddenly, Bubblegum Man shoves the orange at me. "You'll need a new one of these!"
"Something tried to eat this!" he says loudly enough that people in the self-checkout aisle have stopped and are staring.
The orange looks perfectly fine to me.
"If you bite into this, you're going to bite into whatever animal is inside this!" He is absolutely aghast.
I examine the orange intensely. I see no sign that rat nor bird nor cockroach has made any move whatsoever on the orange. I put the fruit back down and prepare to put it into my bag when I have other items appropriate to go with an orange.
Bubblegum Man grabs it, holds it up, and points to a what he considers the terrible culprit. "Look," he screeches, "it's still IN THERE!!!!!"
I see where he is pointing and grab the orange from him. "Dude. That's the navel. It's a navel orange." Mother of God. Seriously.
Grown adults should not be living in their parents' basement and working at the local grocery store simply to be able to afford bubblegum-colored hair dye. They should probably get out into the real world and learn things like ... oh, I don't know ... that navel oranges have navels.
That would be a handy-dandy start.
