MY SISTER'S COLONOSCOPY - PART 1: THE PREP

My sister is scheduled for her colonoscopy.  Due to family history, she and I are on the five-year plan, and this year it's her turn yet again.  I volunteer (a little too emphatically) to be her driver because I intend to make her laugh so hard that she might ... poop herself.  After all, what are sisters for if not to giggle at you when you're down for the count.

This sibling lives over an hour away, so I have to plan my trip accordingly.  She is working half a day, but I don't want to miss the prep.  That's the best part -- if you don't believe me, watch Billy Connolly's video description: https://vimeo.com/172951856  I arrive just in time to start the mixing of The Good Stuff.

For those unfamiliar with colonoscopy prep, The Good Stuff means an entire container (yes, the whole goddamned thing ... all of it ... enough to send a T-Rex into apoplexy) of powdered laxative dissolved into a gallon of lemon-lime Gatorade (also known as Piss of Your Enemies).  Since she has a couple of people in her house who actually like Gatorade, I grab the container from her and start writing all over it important messages like "NO!" and "POOP."  Hopefully, this will discourage anyone mistaking The Green Express Chute Cleaner for anything remotely drinkable.

Then, we wait.

It's extremely difficult to wait with someone who is doing a colonoscopy prep because that person is just trying to survive the urgent bathroom trips necessary prior to the procedure, while the rest of us (the audience members) are waiting for the show to begin.  I am beating (the shit?) out of my sister at Cribbage when suddenly (but disappointingly slowly) the abdominal fireworks begin.  For the next few hours, my sister will beat a path from wherever she is sitting to the bathroom, but not nearly as flagrantly as did I when it was my turn.

This process continues off and on without as much fanfare as I'm expecting.  Really, she has her butt pretty much under control.  I am somewhat crestfallen that I am not watching her suffer.  No, really.  Her prep is almost like a normal person's day: Going to poop, might poop a little more, nope just pee for now...  It's like she is a Gatorade Processing Machine and her intestines are no match for the cleansing.  Her dog seems to be suffering more than she is, and he's passed out on the porch.


Or, maybe unlike me, she's just not full of shit.  She is a much nicer person than I am, that's for certain.

Truly, I almost feel ripped off, like I got tickets to a comedy show and it's just not that funny.  My sister handles the prep like a pro, suffers little discomfort and minimal interference to her evening, and finishes the prep without puking any of it back up again.  I don't even have to worry about my car seats on the way to the medical center.  Well, I'm really not worried because my seats are Scotch-Guarded, but she doesn't suffer and of those "Oh my God, I'm gonna blow!!!!!" reactions that I get when it's my turn for this lovely five-year festivity.


The worst part of the whole prep experience, though, is that I thoroughly intend to cheat at cards while she is indisposed, but she's never really indisposed at all, so I cannot cheat.  She tolerates both the prep and my presence with complete and total professionalism.

But, then again, tomorrow will be Part #2 (appropriately enough): The Bittersweet End