DOC KARMA

So, I'm sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office, and the place is crammed full of old people, I mean seriously old people with walkers and canes and Depends, and I'm feeling pretty damn pleased to be younger and relatively healthy. 

Yup, I'm smug.  You know what happens when you get smug?  Karma.  Karma happens when you get smug.

When it’s my turn to go in for my physical, there are some routine things that need to be done.  One of them is an EKG.  I am sitting in the room with the johnny on, clutching it semi-closed in the front, waiting … waiting … waiting … The EKG machine has a computer glitch.  Finally, fifteen minutes later, I’m good to go.  It takes more time to hook me up than it does to do the EKG. 

Karma point #1.

Next up is the whole pneumonia debacle from Memorial Day weekend, and I recount the story of the doctor who couldn’t tell pneumonia from a nipple.  My doctor reads me the radiologist’s report, word for word, and there is no doubt that I had bilateral pneumonia.  Thank goodness, because I actually thought maybe I was insane and taking antibiotics for nothing.  Still, though, it’s an uncomfortable moment telling my doctor that her cohort cannot tell a potentially deadly lung infection from someone’s areola.  I need a follow-up x-ray, either way.

Karma point #2.

I’m still having issues with my Achilles tendons and with some foot issues that prevent me from walking too far without pain.  This is a serious problem because I love to walk and I’m a sucker for 5k’s.  I call out the specialist I was sent to see a year ago who first told me the issue would clear up in six weeks.  Six months later, still in pain with swollen tendons, this doc tells me, “Oh, I said that?  Um, they may never get better!  Hahahaha.”  Yeah.  Hahahaha.  My doctor recommends a different specialist, and I get that appointment all set.

Karma point #3.

And don’t forget about Floyd.  Two years ago, Floyd the Uterine Fibroid wreaked havoc on my life and blood supply.  Since Floyd was, at one time, the size of a softball, it’s about time to see if Floyd is the size of anything any longer.  Make that appointment, too.

Karma point #4.

Oh, yeah, and I’m currently on the five-year plan for colonoscopies.  While the prep itself sucks, I will gladly admit that the sleep is pretty darn funky, and I didn’t mind the sleep meds one teeny bit.  Time to set up that appointment, just to make my day that much more special.

Karma point #5.

By the way, I’m due for my mammogram.  It’s all good, I assure the doc, as I have already made that appointment.  I wish women could be put to sleep for mammos.  I guess the key is “Don’t LOOK” when the squishing starts.

Karma point #6.

Then comes the lab for blood work.  I go downstairs, check in, start to take a seat, and promptly misjudge what I’m doing.  I catch my left thigh (okay, partial butt cheek) on the arm of a chair.  I pretend to be graceful and get myself into the seat, but in all honesty I know damn well I’m going to have a huge bruise there later.

Karma point #7.

The lab is actually fun.  I joke around with the two techs, and we are laughing all through the blood drawing.  I don’t even know how many vials are taken today.  I generally don’t mind having blood taken.  I’m not a glutton for punishment, but if I have to have a shot or get poked with needles, I’m not too averse to it.  Do it and get it over with.  Except Novocain. I draw the line at that shit because it hurts like hell when it is injected anywhere except the mouth region.  I think, “Wow, the lab was awesome fun.  That wasn’t so bad!”  Until I get home and the bruising starts.  Now my arm matches my ass cheek.

Karma point #8.

Two hours after I start, I am home and feeling … well … old.  I feel older than old.  I never should’ve been so smug in the office about the people with walkers and canes, and I don’t know if they had on Depends.  That’s just me being mean.  It’s okay, though.  Karma bites me eight times over today, and I deserve every single one, I’m sure.

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to take a nap because I am exhausted from all this excitement, and, just so you all know, karma is damn tiring.