Okay, I'll admit I like Christmas. I like it a lot. Sure, it's stressful and I'm going crazy trying to finish up a grad school project and shop for the holidays and not become a raging alcoholic in the process. But can someone please explain to me: What in the hell is Elf on a Shelf?
First of all, the elf is creepy. He reminds me of those weird and sinister Annalee dolls. Maybe he escaped from the Jordan Marsh Enchanted Village. Maybe he's some benevolent version of the sinister shrunken heads that live at the Museum of Natural History in the Smithsonian. I don't know. (Pictures posted
for your displeasure.)
And since I don't know, I looked up the creepy little dude on the Internet.I discovered that children are not allowed to touch the elf (apparently his name isn't Michael Jackson), that families adopt him (my kids would probably rather adopt a dog), that he flies to the North Pole every night and tattles his lazy ass to Santa so no deed (good or bad) goes unpunished, and that he returns to a different perch in the house every morning (creeper). It's like Trilogy of Terror meets Rudolph -- Hide the damn knives if you know what's good for you, and never turn your back on that elf for a second.
A friend clued me in to a more sinister side of this elf, though. Apparently this elf has a naughty side. It seems that if I stay up late enough, I might encounter this elf at the local bar, or pooping peppermint candies into the potty, or snorting Splenda, or doing nasty things to Barbie. I'm not quite sure if this revolts me or impresses me.
I know now that I've posted this, at least one of you sick bastards is going to send me an Elf on the Shelf just to watch me twitch and keep me from sleeping at night. I swear to you, if you even try it, that elf will haunt your home day and night, week in and week out, until you are terrified to leave your locked bathroom. I'll even dress that little fucker up in horrifying mini-costumes, maybe attach a miniature sound device, and generally bring mayhem crashing down on you.
Ahhhh. I feel better. Nothing like a good rant full of hollow threats and evil plotting. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!
Happy Holidays, all! And to all, an Elf on the Shelf.
