While trolling through social media, I come across a post aimed at me. I know it's aimed at me because the tag-line says, "Heliand, here's a post YOU might LIKE!!!!" Most of these posts and ads pop up based on something bizarre that I searched for work, like Komodo dragons or the functions of prepositional phrases or how many minutes does it REALLY take to cook a three-minute egg. I'll admit, though, the photo looks kind of good, and I am kind of hungry.
The post is a recipe for bagels. "EASY BAGEL RECIPE" it claims. I peek at the recipe and discover that it requires no yeast, so I can't fuck up that part, and it claims a prep time of about five minutes. The only downside is that it requires Greek yogurt, the smell of which makes me want to hurl. Hmmmmm. A true conundrum.
So I go to the store and add to my list "non-fat plain Greek yogurt." I need one cup of it, so I buy two small containers. No way do I want an open container of that Greek yogurt shit in my fridge, stinking up everything else. Even if it's covered, I swear I can still smell it.
It's about a week before I can drum up the courage to open the yogurt containers necessary to make the dough. The dough, by the way, is ridiculously easy, and it actually turns out the way the recipe says, even though I am a little loose with the instructions. I add the yogurt, attempt to hold my nose, but realize that I need both hands for kneading the dough that I need to knead. (Ya see what I did there?)
I get the dough all ready, separate it into four balls, roll the balls into snakes, form the bagels, and am surprised as hell that my shit looks just like the fancy picture. It's fucking amazing to me! After I add the egg white wash on each, I am able to add toppings. I don't have much in the house, so I make one with sea salt on it, one has cinnamon with brown sugar, and one has cheddar jack cheese. The fourth one I leave plain.
I do not have high hopes. I mean, there's no yeast, I don't like Greek yogurt, and I'm a marginal cook. I fully expect everything to crash and burn, especially when I re-read the instructions and realize that I am supposed to finish it all with a quick stint at 550 degrees. Jesus, my kitchen is going to catch fire.
I put the bagels into the oven and watch them with utter fascination. Holy shit! They're actually cooking, and they look edible! When the final step comes, my oven barely reaches 500 degrees when I decide the bagels are just right -- golden brown on the edges with crispy bottoms. I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that they look just like the picture says they should. It's baffling.
I let the bagels cool down just until I can handle them without saying "Ouch-ouch-ouch" over and over again. I cut into each one and steal about 1/8th of each bagel. This is where I don't even have to lie -- each bite tastes better than the one before it. I seriously cannot decide which one tastes the best.
These bagels are fucking amazing.
So, I'll hook all-y'all up with the recipe and just say the last part of the baking ... don't worry if your oven never reaches 550. I only set mine to 525 when I realized it would take less time to finish the cooking process than it would to be at the right temperature. I also just noticed there's a video for them along with the tagline "We are obsessed with these bagels," and I totally believe that the collective "they" truly are obsessed. I am, too.
Okay, the only recipe I can find is exactly the same except mine cooked at 350 for 22 minutes then I cranked up the oven and left them in for 4-8 more minutes as it warmed up toward 525. Here's what I found:
https://www.skinnytaste.com/easy-bagel-recipe/
