Uh. Um. Well... I guess we all make bad parenting decisions. I once left the Vaseline too close to the crib on the changing table, and my kid had a field day painting himself and the walls in the three seconds I was out of the room tossing the diaper away. One of my brothers ate an ant cup and had to have his stomach pumped. It was awesome. He puked all over the ER doctor just as the doc announced, "Well, I guess he isn't going to vomit for us today!" (Guess again, sucker.)
But these are isolated, really dumb parenting accidents. Accidents happen, right?
No one puts out a public service announcement saying, "Hey, idiot parents. Vaseline and ant cups ... NOT for children." This is shit that we know but sometimes fuck up by pure exhaustion brought on by sleep deprivation. (Or, possibly, as in my parents' case, alcohol consumption. But, I digress.)
Look, I am wicked sorry if your kid ate a laundry pod, just as I am terribly sorry about the nasty Vaseline event that wreaked havoc with my wall decor. One kid a year I can see maybe, possibly, stupidly sucking on a laundry pod. But an average of ONE every damn DAY?
PEOPLE! Two things: #1 - Laundry pods are not food; #2 - what the hell kind of parents are you?! No, really. I can see having a random dumbass parent here or there, but one a day? Every day? Day in and day out?
STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. You people shouldn't be allowed to have children nor laundry detergent in your homes. You're fucking morons.
Here's my version of the same public service announcement that I received this morning: DO NOT LET YOUR TODDLERS EAT LAUNDRY PODS. STICK THEM IN YOUR COOTER INSTEAD. THIS WILL PREVENT HAVING KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE. SAFETY RULES!
There. That's a public service announcement I can truly support. I'll even send over a half-smeared container of Vaseline to help you accomplish the task.
