EXPLETIVE COOKING

My daughter stops by after work, so I invite her for dinner.  I'm doing something I haven't done in a long time -- following a recipe and trying something new.  Meanwhile, my girl keeps trying to video me to post on Snap Chat, Instagram, and other social media arenas to show people that I am not normal because I don't cook a great variety of things, and usually when I try recipes, they fail in epic fashion.  Here is some of her commentary in italics (with my commentary in parentheses):


Things my mom says while trying to follow a recipe:

"Shit fuck cunt cocksucker dickface"  
 (To be fair ... this IS a new recipe.)

"'Cut fajitas in half.... fuck do I have to!?!?"  
(Seriously, it's a waste of perfectly good fajitas, especially since I am spreading them out in the pan anyway.  Why not leave them whole?  I leave them whole.)

"'Stir occasionally'.... oh fuck this is all burning on... no wonder why it says stir occasionally..."
 (Okay, so I'm not one to follow directions exactly ... or at all.)

Takes knife off the table to stir her vodka and tonic: "Oh, fuck.  I just cut the onion with that knife."
(Truth.  My vodka and tonic doesn't taste at all like onion until I suck a small piece of diced onion up through my straw.  Then my drink tastes like onion.)

In all honesty, yes, I really do say these things and more.  However, in my defense, dinner is very tasty.