AMERICANIZED MEXICAN NON-HOLIDAY

Ah, Cinco de Mayo.  That wonderful American holiday when we pretend Mexico is celebrating.

Oh, Mexico does mark the day.  It is, after all, the day the Mexicans turned back French Imperialism for the first time.  That's right -- France -- all because Mexico owed France money then told the French, "No hay dinero para ti."  France replied back, "Merde, nous vous possedon," and put flags up all over the damn place because that's how it was done during the Franco-Mexican War.  This is not to be confused with the Franco-American war in which Spaghettios invaded dinner tables all across the country and have yet to be eradicated from the U.S. diet.

But, in 1862, the small Mexican town of Puebla decided they'd had enough of France's bullshit.

France yelled, "Nous allons vous faire essuyer nos anes," which basically meant they intended to make the Pueblans wipe the asses of the French soldiers, you know, as if doing so were some kind of luscious prize.  Well, maybe for the French because they do have a large stake in the debauchery stock and trade.

Despite being outnumbered something ridiculous like two-to-one, the Spanish spit back, "Comen nuestras pollas, por favor," which was really just a polite way of inviting the French to have an anatomically specific snack.  After this exchange, the Mexicans in this tiny hamlet kicked the merde out of the French soldiers.  This, of course, was a great victory for morale, but the French continued on to Mexico City, anyway, so it was kind of an ironic ending.

However, the U.S. Civil War raged on at the same time, because god-forbid we be outdone by the French and Mexicans in our bloodlust.  Union soldiers considered the unlikely Pueblan victory a rallying cry for their own seemingly lackluster morale.  "If the damn Mexicans can do it, then so can the Union," which, loosely translated means, "Jesuschristalmighty, we're getting our highly-trained, dumb-fucking asses handed to us on Southern platters, and the goddamn Mexicans are beating the French.  WTF, dudes.  Seriously."

So, just like that, Americans adopted Cinco de Mayo as some kind of Civil War rallying motto.  You've seen it, too.  Great statues of Lincoln, with Honest Abe quoted on the pedestal, "Here's to freeing our Mexican brethren.  Vivan los culos pequenos for four score and seven years!" (By the way, that's a long time to be a little asshole.)

In the end, the victory is for tequila when you really put your mind to it.  Oh, I'm sure they drink tequila in Mexico on Cinco de Mayo, but here in the states it's an art form, a religion, an out-of-body experience, especially if it's Milagro tequila.

We should just rename the holiday to Drink-o de Mayo.

Anyway, as the Mexican might say if the French had been victorious, "Viva la France," but since they weren't, now Mexicans say, "Beban muchas, putas.  Feliz cinco de mayo, idiotas Americanas."

Happy Cinco de Mayo, my friends.  Have a margarita for me.

P.S.  Excuse the translations.  My memory and Google combined to come up with random shit.