As I answer the phone, my brain spins with anticipation. Will it be from Obama? Rand Paul? Fauxcahontas? Will it ask me to send a get well card to Kerry? Will it be a local survey about the damage to our multi-million dollar, relatively freshly renovated high school during the recent rain? Will it be someone wanting money? Animal research? My philosophical thoughts on religion? Alma mater? Police Ball? Girl Scout cookies?
Oh, boy! I'm ready!
The first disappointment comes when I realize this is a fully automated survey. Dang. No chance to force the operator off script. As I answer the first few questions, I start getting bored. How old am I? Am I white? Am I Hispanic?
I hit the speaker button and miss an important question. All I hear is, "For a woman, press 2."
Oh my god, are they asking me if I want the next president to be a man or a woman? Holy crap, this could be important. The fate of the entire universe could be at my fingertips!
I wait, holding my breath,
"I'm sorry, I didn't get that," Robotoman says, then repeats this extremely critical question. It is .... it is ... "Are you a man or a woman? For a man, press 1. For a woman, press 2."
Oh gosh, oh gosh. The questions are getting harder as I go along. Next, he wants to know my political party. The options are Democrat, Republican, other, Independent...
I'm unenrolled. Damnit, I'm unenrolled! No politician is my master! I hate them all equally. Independent is a political party. Damn. Damn! "Other," I press, "other other other." Let them believe I am a member of the Star Spangled Tree Frog Brigade.
I'm ready. I've got my fingers all poised and waiting for the next question. What might it be? Maybe I'll be asked about global warming or saving the whales or the devastation of tree spores. Who knows what important information I might be able to share, knowledge I might impart.
Here come the next set of questions: Do I own a car? How many? Did I buy my primary car new? How old is it? Do I get it serviced at the dealer? Is my car ...
Wait. My ... my car? This important survey is about my car?!
It's a stinking commercial.
I hang up the phone part way through another question. Some survey that was. I don't get to change the world, I don't get to share words of wisdom, and I don't help Little Orphan Annie, at least not this week. But there's always the next survey. I never know, so I answer them all. Someday I just might save the world simply by pressing 1.
