I'm like a really bad Orbit Gum commercial. You see, folks, I discovered something at the
dentist today: I have a dirty mouth.
I'm not talking about cavities or gum disease or periodontal
halitosis. There are no pus-filled
gaping caverns of yuck oozing from my gums. I don't even have tartar buildup.
I'm talking about true dirty mouth. Potty mouth.
Swearing like a sailor.
I just met this new dentist.
I mean, seriously. He's a very
nice man, and his office is super-swanky. Even worse, the patient cubicles all open up
to each other. I can hear people four
stalls over saying "Aaaaaah."
So today's faux pas?
Let's just say the office is probably not looking forward to having me
back anytime soon.
See, it happened like this. The dentist and I got talking about the
college recruiting process for student athletes. He has two kids in college and I have … well,
all three are back in, but I have one who's still a student athlete, and we
were chatting about how quickly a college visit can go south if the coach is an
asshole. I might have even used the word
"asshole," but that's not the worst of it.
I was telling the doc about one particular coach, an unnamed
tool from one of the Connecticut recruitment sessions, and I told the dentist
about our reaction to said coach, which was basically, "Fuck you."
Yup. I actually said,
right there in his wide open office, the words "Fuck you." Well, I didn't say them AT him, but I did
recount the story TO him.
As soon as the words left my mouth, my hand flew up to try
and shove the damn words back where they came from. I know my eyes opened up really, really wide
and I tried to hide my extreme horror and mortification.
His reaction?
Laughter. Thank my lucky stars,
he laughed.
I apologized profusely and stammered, "Sure, my teeth
are fine but my mouth is filthy. I can
see your report now. 'Teeth good; swears
like a trooper.'"
The dentist responded, "No, I'll just write in that
you're normal."
I think it's all going to be okay, but he hustled me out of
the office and walked me right out past the reception desk. Ooops.
I hope I don't have to find a new dentist again. I just found this guy after my other dentist
went MIA. Oh well. Fuck it.
Someone hand me some Orbit Gum.
