Ten Driving Instructions For Out-Of-Staters Using
Massachusetts Highways and the Turnpike:
1. Enter from the
on-ramp with authority. If you hesitate,
we know you're afraid, and the slow lane drivers will speed up like a pack of
lions on an injured wildebeest.
2. When changing
lanes, act first and look second.
3. If you want to get
into the left lane, put on your right directional. Vice-versa right lane = left directional.
4. Never wear mittens
when driving, regardless of how cold it may be.
You must always have your
middle finger available and in the "ready" position.
5. Words like
"asshole" and "shit stain" are minor offenses. You need to hurl such insults as
"mingua" "puta" and "fuck face" in order to make
a lane change in high traffic areas.
6. Please remember
that when crossing state lines on either 93 or 95, the gun laws in New
Hampshire are much more lenient than the ones in Massachusetts. However, Massachusetts has more unregistered
handguns and a much higher incidence of gun-related crime … and a far greater
concentration of recently-released mental patients with valid drivers licenses.
7. Texting while
driving is illegal, but only if you're actually caught doing it. Technically, red light texting and stop sign
texting don't count because you're not truly driving by definition. Highway
texting doesn't count if you're not actually watching the road because that's drifting not driving.
8. If you have an
accident, be sure to tell the other driver that your insurance agent is your first
cousin Vito from Medford, and pronounce it "Meh-fah." It may not help your immediate case, but it
will keep court witnesses to a minimum.
9. When trying to
exit the highway, be sure to do so at an extremely high rate of speed. Extra points are always awarded if you exit
on the right from the left-hand lane, swerving confidently through a lane or
two of fast-moving bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Super bonus points (and the awe of other drivers) will be awarded if this
is what is touted as "The Three-Lane Switch." It must be executed swiftly and without
hesitation, however, and bells will ring if you induce other drivers to slam on
brakes, blow their horns, throw The Bird, scream the c-word, and swerve
slightly to the right. (Please be
advised, though, that causing an accident that you're either involved in
directly or that occurs behind you, will result in your score returning to
zero. Points are only earned on
successful maneuvers.)
10. Last but not
least, when approaching a Masspike tollbooth, you may only attempt a lane change if your
vehicle has Massachusetts plates. If
your car has plates from another state (except maybe New Hampshire or Vermont,
but never Connecticut nor Maine nor
Rhode Island nor any other state and especially not Canadians), you will be frozen out and glared at, probably honked and sworn
at, and the attendant who witnessed your daring stupidity will reduce his/her
work rate to a dead standstill. Your faux pas
will be recorded via camera and sent ahead to all other turnpike stations, and
the attendants will be required to call you "Dumbass" every time you
pay your toll on the 500-plus stops you will be forced to make on your short
trip to the New York state line. This
maltreatment will be four-fold worse if you have any kind of Yankees or Jets
memorabilia in or on your car or person. If you have mistakenly gotten into the
Fast Pass Lane without a transponder, you can expect to wait in an
attempted-lane-change until some out-of-stater happens by who doesn't know the
rules and kindly allows you to cut in (while the Massachusetts drivers behind
both of you note your cars' make and model as well as your license plates and
will pay you back fairly once you're through to the other side).
Happy driving, everyone, and welcome to Massachusetts, where
Masshole isn't just a name tag, it's
a true state of mind.
