Some principal by the name of Gutierrez
says peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are racist.
Isn't it enough that school nurses
everywhere have worked tirelessly to get PB&J banned from school cafeterias
all over the United States? Isn't it
enough that Peter Pan has to battle Skippy every goddamned day of the week on
grocery shelves across America? Isn't it
enough that Teddy kicked Jif's ass in side-by-side taste tests? Isn't it enough that peanut oil is now the
scourge of restaurant owners and chefs everywhere?
Now ya gotta go and call my favorite
sandwich frikkin' RACIST?
Wait a sec…. Wait just a damn second. Maybe they're onto something.
I mean, peanut butter is BROWN, like the
skin-color of some Europeans, South and Central Americans, Africans and even Elizabeth Warren's make-believe
Native American relatives. Maybe because
it's brown and not white, it's racist against Albinos.
Oh … my… God …
Peanut butter IS racist! Albinos everywhere should stand up and assert
their rights! Up with Fluff! Up with Fluff!
And tortillas are yellow! People with hepatitis should be soooo offended. They should sue Taco Bell, and corn growers,
and the … the … the SUN! They should sue
the sun for being yellow!
Don't forget tomato sauce (or gravy, for
you hardcore Italians). Tomato sauce is
RED, and that insults people with hives and fevers and road rash. Embarrassed people all over this country
should stand up and protest. Except
they're too embarrassed. We should
protest for them! Bad, tomato sauce,
bad, bad, bad!
Pina Coladas are white. They must be racist, too. Let's ban Pina Coladas, milk, bread, diapers,
gauze pads, tampons, toilet paper, tissues, lined notebook and printer paper,
and standard household appliances as they are WHITE. Holy shit, white is bad; it is evil. It is the color of … SNOW. Hell, we'll ban SNOW. Sue Mother Nature, sue,
sue, sue!!!!!!!!
I wish I could apologize, but this colorful
agenda has stepped a little over the line.
Look, you can throw the race card whenever you want (and don't bother
calling me a racist because I'll just throw a very brown peanut butter
open-faced sandwich in your direction and hope you're
deathly allergic), but it just makes you look .... well ... like a racist. Someone whose sole life agenda requires it being based on race alone, even with the best of intentions, makes that person, quite simply and obviously, RACIST.
But when you start calling a sandwich
racist, dude, you're whacked.
You're fucked.
You're damn-near insane.
And if this "protest" actually gets
air-time and passes laws to that effect, then so are we, kids. So we are all whacked, fucked, and insane.
