ICED COFFEE IDIOCY

Coffee.  Yup, trying to teach myself to like coffee. 

I sort of like coffee.  I can tolerate coffee ice cream but not coffee yogurt.  I don't like coffee shakes (sorry, those of you from outside of New England, but there is such a thing as coffee shakes, and they rock) so much, but I mix an incredible Caffe Moka shake that will knock your socks off and knock you so far onto your ass that you won't find your socks, anyway.  I drink hot tea but not iced tea, and I drink iced coffee on occasion but never hot coffee.

Therein lies the problem.  I really want to start bringing iced coffee to work, but I'm too lazy to park my car and stand in line at Dunkins to get it.  There are two other Dunkins on my way to work, both with drive-through service, but they're either on the wrong side of the road or too far with slow traffic lights.

So, I get a brilliant idea.  I'll make my own.

I have sugar already (must have sugar with coffee, not so much with tea), so I need flavored creamer. The only flavors I care for are caramel, pumpkin spice (out of season), and sometimes peppermint (also out of season).  I peruse the dairy aisle and decide on a brand of caramel additive and head out on my way.

I have coffee at home.  It's a cheap brand, a store brand, but I know from working in the grocery industry that it's actually a name brand product, just not their actual finished product.  Chances are I am really brewing Maxwell House coffee for a dollar less per canister.  I let the pot cool down, pour the coffee into a container, and stick most of it in the fridge overnight. 

Before I do this, though, I pour some in a cup, mix in the sugar, add the creamer, throw in some ice, and test-drive the iced coffee.

Now let me just say this: Caffeine has never, ever bothered me.  I can drink a six-pack of Coca-Cola and go to sleep with no residual effects (except having to pee).  Buy a caffeine-infused drink to stay awake driving?  Useless.  I might as well be drinking water.

It's about 7:00 p.m., so I probably shouldn't be trying this experiment with the coffee, but, as I just said, caffeine and I have a nonexistent relationship.  That is, until now.  Within minutes of sipping the coffee, my heart starts racing and I develop a sudden and severe headache.  Not only that, but my stomach is feeling a little jukey.  I pop a Tylenol, go to bed around midnight, and feel fine in the morning.

Maybe I felt like that because of all the pollen in the air, which is as thick as fog.  Let me give coffee a second shot.  I make a large travel mug full of sugar-caramel creamer-coffee-ice, stick a straw through the drinking hole, and start sipping on my way to work.  I continue to sip while at my desk getting prepped for the day.

Well, well, well.  This doesn't seem so .... wait ... what the ...By 8:30 a.m., my brain is firing at Mach speed.  My stomach feels a little queasy, and I'm getting a headache.  Damn you, coffee; damn you to Hell.  I really and truly want to like you, but this relationship seems to be extremely one-sided.  Worst of all, this doesn't happen with the Dunkins coffee.  It only happens with the coffee I brew.

A few days later I head back out to the store (a different store) in search of decaf.  Not quite certain my problem is linked to caffeine (of course it is; I'm in denial), I buy half-caf coffee, instead.  I go through the same process: brew, cool, put it in the fridge.  I finally get the nerve to try it, and it's decent - tastes the same and all that, but I'm really in the mood for a beer, so I end up tossing it out.

I'm going to try my iced coffee again tomorrow morning.  The worst thing that can happen is that I develop a severe case of motor-mouth along with another vise-grip headache.  Then I will know for sure that I'll have to up the total available dollars on my Dunkins app.