GOING TO THE DENTIST

The dentist.  Blah.  I don’t like going to the dentist, but not for the reason you think. 

I don’t mind relaxing in the dentist chair.  No matter what’s going on, I rarely clutch the arm rest like it’s the last lifeboat leaving the Titanic.  If I’m in pain, I have no problem stopping the procedure for more novocaine, nitrous oxide, or whatever they’re giving me that day. 

Being in the dentist chair is one of the few times during the day I actually get to sit still.  My problem with the dentist is three-fold:

1.  When I was little, my parents didn’t encourage us to take care of our teeth … so, we didn’t.  Now I’m paying for it (beauty-wise and bank-wise).

2.  Some of the dentists I’ve had suck.  Seriously.  Butchers without proper training.  Idiots with store-bought degrees.  Morons.

3.  Every time I go to the dentist, something else and more expensive has to be done.  Listen, kids, I’m not having the gum surgery.  Ever.  Get over yourselves.

I won’t have dental implants.  Tried something like that once.  After mega-pain and several attempts to save the post (not the tooth … the frigging post that got put in) that required endodontic surgical intervention, the post fell out.  Fell.  Out.  Give me choppers.  Make them white and shiny.  It would be nice to eat meat again like normal people.

Today I discover a whole new world of dental wonder, and I’m not going to complain even though I’m facing more cha-ching-cha-ching dentistry.  I discover the Waterpik cleaning tool.

That’s right – No more picking at the gums with sharp objects; no more spitting blood into the miniature mouth-sized toilet.  The hygienist cleans my teeth with a Waterpik tool and the suction tube.  I don’t even have to rinse and spit.  It is like the lazy person’s answer to tooth cleaning. 

I nearly fall asleep in the chair.  The most strenuous part of the appointment (well, other than the bad news about a back molar and a spare wisdom tooth that I’ve been trying to save for a decade or two) is having my teeth polished – which flavor would I like: peppermint, spice, bubblegum, or cherry.  Oh, the horrific decision!  (Insert sarcasm here.)

So, you see, I don’t like going to the dentist because I usually end up with something expensive that needs to be done above and beyond my insurance coverage.  But, I do like going to the dentist so I can sit still.  Now, I even enjoy it.  The only time I’ll be rinsing and spitting after a teeth cleaning is if I drink a beer too soon and the fluoride makes it taste funny.

I can live with that.