Today I became an honorary Republican.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't go getting all political and crazy-ass
on me here, folks. THEY called ME. No, truly, they did.
First of all, I'm an unenrolled voter. That means I am registered to vote but do not
belong to any organized political party.
I get to choose whichever primary ballot sounds more enticing, and I can
vote the issues more readily. I don't
vote along party lines. Ever. Sometimes I even vote for the most
freaked-up, smacked-out party I can find.
For example, if I don't know who the hell is running for
Sheriff, and I see Cleavon Lillypad is running from the Balding Birdwatchers
Party of Northern Bumshoe, I just might vote for him simply because I flirted
with a balding guy last week at the café.
Once I voted for the Republican candidate for some obscure office
because he was better looking than the other candidate. I told myself, "They're all a bunch of
lying assholes, anyway. Might as well
have the lying asshole who's worth looking at."
The one thing I truly enjoy, though, is taking political
phone surveys. I get all tingly and my
heart starts beating wildly when the caller ID indicates a political pollster
is calling (and no, it's from real excitement not dietary-induced tachycardia). I not only like answering the questions, I
like interjecting hyperbole and throwing them off their game. Some of them roll with it, but most of them
get really pissed that I'm not letting them keep to their pre-ordained spiel.
Frankly, it's some of the best entertainment on the planet.
But I have to hand it to the Republicans -- They're willing
to work for their cause. Never once in
all the time I have been a registered and unenrolled voter has the Democratic
party tried to lure me to its side.
Maybe it's because I'm not on the Welfare rolls or because I have an
Anglo-Saxon surname. Maybe it's because
they're afraid I speak English and they won't be able to communicate with me,
but I can assure them, me hablo enough espanol to answer sus preguntas. Maybe because I'm a forced member of the NEA,
they figure I'm already voting their way.
I find that kind of hubris rather offensive.
I am equally surprised, though, when the Republicans call
because I'm no trust-fund baby, I haven't been to church since the 90s, I own
nothing more dangerous than BB and air guns, and my bank account is so small
I'm not even sure the bank knows that I exist.
I'm not exactly their kind of people, either. But, like a blind date gone almost well,
they're willing to take a chance.
I answer the phone because I suspect it's a survey only to
be greeted by the sweetest, most sincere and zealous old Republican woman I
think I've ever encountered via telephone.
Like me, she is widowed (though I doubt as early as I), and we have a
good old chat on and off the books. I
tell her she is probably out of luck if she's looking for money because I'm a
public school teacher (pegs me as a bleeding heart liberal, which I am not),
and that I am in grad school and paying for every cent of it myself (pegs me as
an anti-handout conservative). By the
time we're done talking, she doesn't know what the hell to think.
But here's the thing.
She blesses me anyway.
That's right. She
wishes me so many blessings and God-given thanks that I actually feel … well …
lighter. And I may well be lighter
because I think I may have said I'd try to send someone somewhere $20 if they'd
only send me an envelope because I never, ever use the credit card for anything
like this (or anything, period). Good God,
I've been bamboozled and converted on paper!
Yet, I feel so damn blessed that I start humming Snap!'s "I've Got
the Power."
Then comes the "Oh, crap" moment. I hope my sudden anointing doesn't mean I
have to pick a real political party.
Dear Lord, do not let me be converted from my fence-sitting ways! Granted I'm conservative on some things,
liberal on others, which makes me the Pushme-Pullyou of the voting demographic,
but still. Pick just one? That's like opening a box of chocolates and
making me decide -- It means having to leave another poor chocolate
behind. That will never, ever happen,
and my waistline is proof.
Let me be very clear:
I DO NOT TRUST ANY POLITICIANS.
THEY ARE ALL LYING THUGS.
However, I also kind of enjoy being blessed. I've been having a rough few weeks, and I
don't see how being nice to another widow is going to hurt. Then again, I can't see how it's really going
to help, either.
Damnit. Politics are
so confusing, and politicians are so sneaky sending nice and honest people to
do their evil, dirty, dishonest work. I
never should've answered the phone.
The next time it says "Political Survey" on my
caller ID, I'm going to …
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? Of course I'm going to answer it. Sometimes it's the only fun I have all day
long.
