YES, I QUOTED HEMINGWAY -- SUE ME

January 17th is the official Ditch New Year's Resolutions Day.

Seriously?  People have to be told to do this?  And even more surprising, it takes people seventeen days to figure this out?

I haven't embraced any real resolutions this year.  After decades and decades I've discovered the real secret to New Year's resolutions.  I know this may come as a total surprise to some people, but here it is, in a nutshell, no holds barred.  The secret to successful New Year's resolutions is ...

Don't make any.

Look, you're just setting yourself up for failure.

People who make New Year's resolutions are like women who date George Clooney; they already know how it's going to end, so why bother? 

I make resolutions the same way I give stuff up for Lent.  I'm incredibly realistic this way, and I truly believe that God and my own self-esteem will forgive me for my honesty and for accepting my limitations.  Of course, this is all a direct result of my propensity toward failure.  I give up things like liver and whiskey and malted milk balls -- things I've tried and wouldn't touch again, anyway.  I vow to keep my promise to stay away, to keep pure, to remain un-malted, un-ryed, and un-organed ... so to speak.

Do I have New Year's aspirations?  Oh, yes, absolutely.  I aspire to lose the weight I gained over the holidays.  I aspire to get my thesis written and submitted on time.  I aspire not to choke the nitwits I encounter on a daily basis as it may be considered illegal.  I aspire not to allow this chest cold I have to turn into pneumonia.  I aspire to stop using credit cards and debit cards due to all the crazy security breaches.  I aspire to eat better.  Since there's no official Ditch Your New Year's Aspirations Day, I have to assume that I'm safe from having to face my failures, too.

Because really that's all today is.  It's not about liberating ourselves from unrealistic self-imposed expectations. It's about admitting our failures, and that's just not me, not who I am.  I'll admit when I'm wrong, and I'll fess up to mistakes. 

But, failures? 

No.  I don't fail.  I might falter, but I refuse to be defeated.  Maybe I've turned into Santiago, Hemingway's hapless sea hero, who claims that man is not made for defeat --A man can be destroyed but not defeated.  

So take that, January 17th.  I ditch your ditching.  I resolved to be without resolution.  Maybe I won't lose the few pounds I gained over Thanksgiving and Christmas, and if I don't, what the hell does New Year care?  Maybe I will finish my thesis, and bully for me because I'm not walking at graduation, anyway, so there.  Perhaps I will choke a nitwit, and maybe I'll even be thanked for doing it.  Heck, if I choke a politician, I might even get an award.

Aspire to have aspirations!  

It's much more attainable than all that pressure to change our lives or reinvent ourselves or resolve never to have fun ever again, and we don't even have to wait 365 days in between successes and failures.  Happy Still New Year to all.  And remember, when all your resolutions fall flat and you're feeling low and helpless, you can just blame Ditch Your New Year's Resolutions Day.  It's all January 17th's fault.  Let's go celebrate!  I'll treat you to some pate, a shot of Jack Daniels, and a dessert of Whoppers candy.

Best of all, I resolve not to choke you.