EAT THE ICE CREAM FIRST

I leave work at 2:00pm for a 4:00pm appointment about twelve miles north in New Hampshire.  Those who question why I would give myself two hours to drive ten miles have never traveled on I-93 north on a weekday afternoon or evening during what can be called "Rush Hour."  Apparently it is called "Rush Hour" because we are all rushing nowhere, and it takes us an hour of sitting in the same spot on the highway to figure out that fact.

I am surprised that with an accident, two state police officers on patrol, one speed trap, and construction, that it takes me only about forty minutes to get to where I need to be.  I cannot arrive too early, so I stop at the grocery store for a snack.

By "snack," my brain means "something healthy."  My stomach, on the other hand, is a total bad ass.

I walk into the store and grab a basket; not a cart - a hand-held basket.  I am not going to buy a lot of stuff.  It all starts out innocently enough, too.  I immediately walk into the produce aisle.  So far, so good.

I check out the bananas, which, like in every other grocery store I've been in lately, look green and unpalatable.  I find an almost-ripe one and plop it into a plastic bag.  Maybe, just maybe, it will ripen by the time I get to my car.

Then, I spot the cups of watermelon chunks.  Gotta have the watermelon chunks!  I see the cup of melon is on sale.  Score!

Of course, I'll need a fork to eat the watermelon.  I find the plastic silverware and realize that I should re-stock my school supply of utensils, which means that I buy the variety pack: knives, forks, and spoons.

After I leave the paper goods aisle, I realize that I am near the frozen food section.  I could do one of two things: walk down the aisle at the end (bread) and avoid frozen food, or walk down the aisle that has things I don't buy, like frozen breakfasts and frozen lemon meringue pie.

But, no.  That would be too easy.

Instead, I choose Door #3, walk directly down the ice cream aisle, and grab one of two tiny cartons of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream.  Why not?  I have the spoons.  I cap this all off by throwing in a bottle of chilled water from one of those small refrigerated displays near the register.

I would like to admit that I ate the banana and the watermelon first, but we all know that's a lie.  Think about it: That ice cream is going to melt.  It's my obligation as a citizen to eat the ice cream first.  I grab a plastic spoon, open the tiny container, and eat my cup's worth of ice cream.

It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.  FOR DUTY AND HUMANITY!