Apparently, some Romans brought this weird idea to the Germans, who spread it across western Europe, who brought it with them to America and, in particular, to their German re-roots in Pennsylvania that a groundhog somehow purports the seasons. Of course it does . . . because relying on such scientific data as weather patterns and bird migration patterns would be so much less reliable than, say, a flaming rodent in a hole in a mid-Atlantic state.
Look, Phil, up here in New England winter hasn't even begun to shit on us yet, but it will; it always does.
Worse than the groundhog theory, though, is a local report I spotted on my town's "patch" (aka: lazyass news) website that winter is winding down. Winding down from what, you frigging moron? We still have a good nine to ten weeks of possible blizzard activity. We have been hit pretty hard with heavy snow in mid-April. Of course, it has also been over 90 degrees on the same April day just a year or two removed.
The point is that the minute someone says, "Oh, this is a mild winter," or "Spring is just around the corner," or "Check out that Pennsylvanian groundhog that actually studied meteorology at the local community college and has a degree in weather prediction," New England bears the brunt of it. You mid-Atlantic states send us these monster rain storms that, by the time they arrive, are loaded with sleet and snow. And don't you dare lie. I lived through the blizzard of '78, and that was also post-Punxsutawney Phil, as well. Bastard.
I don't need a radar map nor an advanced degree nor a large rodent to tell me this: Spring will be here on Monday, March 20th, at 6:28 a.m. -- not a moment sooner, not a shadow later, not a snowflake wiser.
