NEW BURGER - EW BURGER

There's a new burger joint open in my town.  People have been raving about it, so tonight I go in. 

First thing I notice is that it smells funky.  It smells like mothballs.  I suspect it is the paneling on the walls, but I'm not sure. 

The second thing I notice is that their prices are reasonable ... I guess.  $6 for a cheeseburger with no fries or anything.  I don't know.  Is that reasonable?  I think it is, but maybe I'm wrong. It's a decent cheeseburger, and it's juicy and packed with lettuce and tomato and all.  Draft specialty beer is $5.75.  Okay, the prices are a little high for the fast-food-like atmosphere.

The third thing I notice is a girl behind the counter with very long stringy black hair, most of it not pulled back, touching her hair constantly then touching food and beer taps.  She also puts her hands all over people's forks as she puts the forks on trays after running her hands through her hair.  Thankfully, I do not need flatware, and the guy making my burger is wearing gloves.

The fourth thing I notice is The Wilding.  Yup.  It's a school night, and the place is overrun with tweeners.  There are a dozen tweeners, male and female, feeling each other a little too indecently, wearing bras as tops (real bras, not sports bras), sitting on tables that families are using, and yelling so loudly that I cannot hear the person sitting across from me.  These kiddos stay way past being done with their food.  Yup, these are the same young people whose parents complain that teachers shouldn't give homework so families can spend more time together.  Go home, children; go home.

The last thing I notice is the filthy chair and the filthy table I have to clean myself before I can sit down.  The place is half-empty, so it's not like they're too busy to keep up.  Why don't you have Hair Hand Girl come out and clean the tables since her palms are already disgustingly filthy?

Listen up, "New"burger.  You might have a great location, but unless you cater to all your clientele and keep the dining area clean and safe and free of stragglers, not even your semi-decent prices and semi-decent product will keep your doors open.