A boarding school here in
Massachusetts is in some deep shit. You
see, they’ve become the Close Encounters of the Third Kind School. Yup, apparently we are now teaching alien
encounters, wireless message interception, how to fry an egg on our own
radiated brains, and other bizarre electromagnetic phenomena.
So strong and disturbing
is our WiFi here in the state of Massachusetts that it is causing one poor
youngling to be so sick he cannot attend his exclusive private school. He is experiencing headaches and nosebleeds,
which, according to his whackadoodle parents who obviously prefer him to stay
in boarding school and far away from them, cause him to be unable to attend
school.
Yes, folks, you read that
correctly: This prepubescent youngster
is the victim of electromagnetic hypersensitivity. In other words, he’s fucked in the head. It’s okay, though. We know where the illness came from and it’s
not something contagious. He inherited
it from his parents, who, in addition to having Extremely Stupid Parenting
Disease also suffer from Greedy Assholitis: They are suing the private boarding
school for $250,000.
Here are ten solutions for
this family’s problem(s).
1. Take your kid OUT of the private boarding
school.
2. Put your kid in public school where I can
guarantee the WiFi sucks eggs.
3. Disclose your true financial situation so we
know exactly WHY you need THIS amount of money.
4. Stop using your idiot kid for your idiot
schemes.
5. Move out of state as fast as you can before
DCF comes and takes your children away.
6. Take off the tin foil hats.
7. Start drinking bottled water because
something is clearly wrong with your tap water.
8. Get yourselves fixed immediately, and by “fixed”
I mean sterilized so you cannot possibly reproduce ever again.
9. Move to your home planet where the WiFi and
radiation are at acceptable levels.
10. STFU already.
What truly amazes me about
this case is that this family isn’t even the least bit embarrassed. Seriously.
They seem to think they have the law and science on their side. Well, I did meet some people who actually support
the family in their lawsuit: Betty and
Barney Hill, Travis Walton, Dr. Zachary Smith, Ron Neary, Bud and Otto and
Miller, Uncle Martin, Alf, Mork, and Agent Mulder. (Agent Scully already deduced that this kid’s
headaches are hormonal at his age of twelve.
DOH.)
Keep your eyes on this
important legal and educational and electromagnetic case, folks. This could be a landmark decision for schools
as we know them. And remember to send
your children to school wearing lead helmets.
We wouldn’t want them picking up any brain waves and actually learning
something while they’re in the classroom.
