TAMMY!

I have to get from Lawrence, MA to Salem, NH, and I have 45 minutes in which to accomplish this task.  There are several ways I can go, but it's Friday afternoon, and it's rush hour.  The highways, both 93 and 495, are already backing up.  495, which I can see from the parking lot I am attempting to exit, is practically standing still.

Off to Route 28 north I go.

I used to drive this way to work every afternoon at this exact same time, and I can tell you that there are 17 lights between south Lawrence and north Methuen, the neighboring town that acts as a buffer between Massachusetts and New Hampshire.  I can also tell you that the traffic along this route will not move any faster than the traffic stopped dead on the highway, but there is at least the illusion of escape in the form of many side streets.  (The side streets do no good -- they all lead to the mighty Merrimack River.)

I used to live in south Lawrence (Brookfield Street, Andover Street, and finally South Broadway at Weare Street).  I also used to live in Methuen (Center Street, and Broadway at High Street).  Not to be outdone, I've also lived in Salem, NH (Cluff Crossing Road at South Broadway).  Broadway in all three cities is the same street as Route 28.  Full disclosure means I should also admit that currently I live 1/4 mile off of Route 28 in yet another town, and I work a mile off Route 28 and a completely different town.  I have actually lived near Route 28 for most of my life.  I know this damn road, and I know it's a crapshoot driving it.

But I am not going to sit and fry in the summer heat in highway gridlock.  This much I know.

I hit every red light possible.  Every single red light of those 17 lights to Methuen, and the 17 more to North Salem.  It takes me the full 45 minutes to get to where I'm going.  I could be more than halfway to Maine by now, but instead I've merely crossed the New Hampshire border (where the traffic is moving, I might add).

Every time I drive through Lawrence, I convince myself it's not a Crazy Place.  Every time I am wrong.  Today, though, something truly terrifying happens.  I am sitting in traffic at a light, surrounded front to back by cars packed in like King Oscar Sardines in a tin.  I have absolutely nowhere to flee when a car coming the other direction slams on its brakes.  The taxi behind that car me nearly takes of its rear bumper.

In the midst of wondering what the hell the car that is now next to me is doing, its driver leans out the window.  It is a large Hispanic woman with flaming red hair and a chubby arm.  She is looking directly at me, into my car, through my brain, and she starts screaming something that sounds distinctly like "Tammy."  As she howls this, she starts banging against the outside of her driver's side door with her fat fist to gain my attention.  "Tammy!" she yells again and again.  "Tammy!  Tammy!  TAMMY!"

I slowly turn toward her.  Thank goodness it's 80+ degrees and I am smart enough to have my air conditioner on, windows rolled up, and doors locked.  I am also wearing giant dark sunglasses, so this irate woman cannot see my eyes, but from the tilt of my head, she knows I am looking at her. Suddenly, the traffic light changes, and the one car in front of me moves forward enough to take me away from the scene. 

The woman, not quite done with me, screeches at the top of her lungs, 'MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!" 

I half-expect her to make a U-turn into traffic and follow after me.  Let me be honest here: I have gotten a slight tan so far this summer, but I do not believe that I am tan enough to be mistaken for anyone of Hispanic descent.  I swear I am not related to this woman, and I say this because it's usually people related to me who randomly refer to me as "Motherfucker."  Since I know for certain she is not related to me, I'm not sure how she could know such a thing about me, but, then again, she thought I was Tammy.  Or perhaps Tammy is one of the swears I haven't learned yet -- I can swear a little bit in several languages, and Tammy is not one I've come across.  Clearly, though, I understand motherfucker.

Lawrence, this is the kind of shit that makes people want to avoid you.  It's the reason you have traffic jams up and down Route 28.  It's one of the many reasons why I don't live in Lawrence anymore.  All of your politicians and residents are motherfucking nuts.

That and the fact that there are 17 lights and it takes30+ minutes to drive the few miles just to get through Lawrence and the sliver of Methuen, which is almost as bad with the flagrant use of "motherfucker" when attempting to maneuver through Route 28 traffic.

Maybe next time I'll take the highway and sit in gridlock.  At least then when someone in highway traffic calls me a motherfucker, I'll understand it's because I changed lanes or blocked their exit or simply sat going nowhere in rush hour traffic.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll answer back with an extended middle finger instead of a confused look of shock and a nagging sense of worry about Tammy, whoever the hell she may be.