Now, this seems a little strange to me, but I guess there has to be a holiday for everyone and everything. It's kind of like the old "Everybody gets a trophy" mantra.
An epitaph is a short poem, usually meant for a graveyard headstone, that rhymes and tells a short story about the deceased. In poetry form, writing one's epitaph usually means that it will be a four-line poem highlighting one of the writer's bad habits.
I have a lot of bad habits. I guess I'll need a very large headstone:
I.
Here lies Heliand
Who never slowed down
Until she came to
This plot of ground
II.
Here lies Heliand
She wrote in pen
But now she'll never
Write again
III.
Here's the news
For he who needs it:
Heliand choked
Upon a Cheez-It
IV.
Heliand once ran
Like a cheetah
Until she ran
Into a margarita
Here lies Heliand
For you who's unawares
Old age got her
As if anybody cares
VI.
Heliand lies here
She was a punk
Probably ended up in
A relative's trunk
VII.
Here lies Heliand
Her death we will not gloss:
She froze to death one winter
At a game they call lacrosse
VIII.
Heliand is gone
So many things had thrilled her
But in the end it turns out
That thesis writing killed her
IX.
Heliand once walked the Earth
But elements did hate her
The freezing weather did her in -
Fuck you, Mother Nature
X.
Heliand once wrote a poem
A little four-line ditty
Supposed to be an epitaph
The rhyming was too shitty
Yup, holidays for everyone! After-drinks are on me.
