I've been sick since Thanksgiving.
First I had that roaring, skull-ripping head cold. At one point, my nose got all
greenish-yellowish, so I self-medicated with some antibiotics that were
leftover in the house. Don't tell me
there aren't supposed to be antibiotics left over because they weren't mine,
but I was damn glad to find them right before Christmas. I felt better in two
days.
Then I caught round two, which is what ails me now. This is also a head cold, but it's not the
same one. The first one involved
terrible pain and massive migraines and sinus headaches that lasted off and on
for days. Weeks, even. This new head cold is The Sneezer. It's marked by random, explosive sneezes that
have no warning and often no cease-fire.
Even while the sneezing is going on, the nostrils are draining, and not with
a leaking kind of draining but more of a full-on faucet kind. The kind of waterworks that make me go
through two boxes of tissues in no time, leaving my poor nose raw.
So I head to the local pharmacy, which is one of the giant
chain stores. I figure they must have
tissues, and indeed they do. The problem
is I can't find the soft ones with lotion in them, and my nose is far beyond
having its outer few layers of derma. I
know a lot of the staff in that store because my daughter worked there for
years. One of the regulars directs me to
the end cap nearby.
As she gestures for me to look, I swear to you that the
skies part, the sun shines, and birds start singing because there on display
are several sizes and versions of the exact tissues for which I have been
searching. I don't even bother to put my
glasses on to be sure. I fill my arms
with four boxes of tissues and head to the main counter. After paying for these snot-rags from Heaven,
I barely make it to my car before ripping open a box to wipe my runny,
exhausted, aching nostrils.
Lo and behold, I discover what I hadn't seen in the store
sans glasses: These tissues have Vicks
Vapor Rub in them. Honest to God, these
little white disposable snot rags are even better sniffing from them than
blowing into them.
I take a box of these Vicks tissues to work with me and am
practically mauled by other sickly co-workers who discover that I am in
possession of these wondrous, soft, medicated paper cloths. We all rave and coo and gush (in many ways)
that these tissues are the greatest thing ever invented, and I truly believe
they probably are.
I also believe a woman invented them. I can picture it now:
Snotty, Sickly Husband: (weakly)
Honey? … Hoooonnnnnneeeeeeeeey!!!!!
Mom/Wife/Partner:
(under breath) Oh, Jesus Christalmighty, what the frig is it … (loudly
into other room) Yes, my loving husband dear, how may I serve you?
Snotty, Sickly Husband: (almost crying because surely he must be oh-so-close
to meeting St. Peter since he has a wee cold)
My nose is all stuffy, and it's runny, and I don't feel good, and I need
a tissue.
Mom/Wife/Partner:
Again? I just brought you the
last box of tissues. And emptied the
trash can you filled with used ones since you obviously broke your flippin'
legs, too.
Snotty, Sickly Husband: But, honeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, I'm
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick. I'm all
snotty. Honeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. Come on.
(makes whimpering noises and attempts to make puppy dog eyes but just
ends up looking functionally retarded)
Mom/Wife/Partner:
Okay, okay, okay. I'll bring you
some … (under her breath) goddamn … (loudly again) tissues, DEAR. (She goes to the cabinet, grabs a spray
bottle of Vicks Vapor Rub for the humidifier, grabs a handful of tissues, then
sprays the crapola out of the paper with the oily mist. She enters the living room where hubby is
sprawled out on the couch in his boxers with his legs spread open leaving very
little to the imagination and a lot to Pepto Bismol.) Here.
Here are your tissues… darling.
(evil laughter as she knows the tissues will knock hubby clear off the
couch)
Snotty, Sickly Husband: (takes a huge breath in through tissue, eyes
open wide, mouth drops open, then cracks a huge smile) Oh, honey!
These tissues are GREAT! Where
did you get them? I love you, honey! Take my wallet, my car keys, anything you
want, just bring me more of these tissues!
(end of scene)
It doesn't matter that she invented the Vicks-infused
tissues by accident or the she did so malevolently. All that matters is that she invented them,
and we're all better cold sufferers because of it.
Of course, it probably didn't happen like that at all, but
it sure as shit should've. Now if you'll
excuse me, I have a date with a tissue box.
